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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Substance Abuse > Addiction to Alcohol > My friend has trouble with alcohol
Expert: John Hendrix
Date: 5/11/2008
Subject: My friend has trouble with alcohol
Question
Hi there,
I'm not sure where to begin. I think my friend has an alcohol problem and I don't know how to help him.
He drinks every day 5 or 6 bottles of beer a lot more at weekends. He plans his outings based on getting his
next drink. Last night a few friends met for a drink in a pub as normal for a saturday night, after a couple of
hours we were deciding where to go next. We were going to get a take away and head to another freinds for
with the take out and chill in.
My friend 'jack' then got upsett that there were no beers at our other friends. He then became obsessed with
getting a hold of some drinks to take with us. Normally if we are heading to a friends house he will take a 24
pack of beer with him 'for everyone to drink'. I dont drink and his friends dont drink that much but the case
always ends up empty. When I want to leave he will sneek into the kitchen and open another so we have to stay
longer (as I wont have open drinks in my car). Last night we decided to go back to Jacks house as he was so
unhappy he would have to stop drinking.
Then when I was going to take his friends home he began scheming to get them to stay longer.
I'm 28 he is 29 and we have been best friends and next door neighbours since we were born so I know him very
well. I know he feels guilty when he drinks alone so he always tries to keep someone with him even people he
doesn't know.
When he makes plans for anything he won't go if he can't have a drink. Sometimes I feel like he invites me out so
he has lifts home. I have asked him about it but he says things like 'I like to have a drink' or 'I have a high
tolerance so it looks more than it really is'. But we will chat for hours when he is drinking and he doesnt
remember the next day and we have the same conversation again. I think this is a family problem his parents
like a drink aswell. All of his other friends feel the same but he denys there is a problem.
I just don't know what to do. If I try to talk to him about it he stops calling and seeing me. Any advice would be
very welcome
Answer
To paraphrase one of my favorite sayings, "That which causes problems IS a problem". Your friend is harming your relationship with his drinking and seems to be uninterested in changing his behavior at this time. You will have to make a decision about what you are willing to tolerate.
He now appears to value alcohol more than your friendship. It is sad, but you can see this by his actions. There seem to be two possibilities for you:
1) Do nothing, say nothing to him and continue as things are now. This will require you to avoid discussing his problem drinking from now on and to tolerate any behaviors he presents, regardless of the effect on you. I see this as the least acceptable choice, but that will be your decision.
2) Confront him with an ultimatum stating that you will no longer be around him if he has been or begins drinking. You risk losing the relationship if he does not agree, but you could ask yourself how genuine the friendship is if he chooses alcohol over you.
Most people change problem behaviors only when forced to do so. It is possible he will make a healthy decision and agree to your request. If so, there is much help available to him to change his alcohol use. However, if he continues to drink as he does now, you could risk becoming part of the problem by helping him avoid his consequences. I am sure you do not want that.
I admire your concern and loyalty. Perhaps one day your friend will see how valuable you can be to him. Helping him see your value may be the best thing you can do for him.
I wish you the best.
John
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