AboutJan Edward Williams Expertise all questions related to drug or alcohol addiction, except those requiring the expertise of a physician or those relating to mental health problems apart from addiction. See my web site: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com
Experience I have been working as a licensed addictions counselor for 28 years and am in recovery myself for 30 years
Organizations Licensed Clinical Professional Counselors Maryland
Maryland Addictions Professional Certification Board
Education/Credentials MS Counseling
Licensed Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselor, Maryland
Expert: Jan Edward Williams Date: 5/29/2008 Subject: Is husband an alcoholic or "a drinker"
Question How can I know if my husband's drinking is "reasonable" or crossing over into alcoholism? Am I making his few drinks a night into more of a problem than it actually is? Is it possible to be a "borderline" alcoholic?
Here are certain elements of my husband's life: he's got a good, steady job which he enjoys (and is not affected by his drinking), he is well respected in our community, he has two great kids with whom he is a loving father, and as a married couple, we are the best of friends and get along very well. His family is fantastic. He comes from a solid, loving, stable background. By all accounts he is a “great guy.”
Enter the drinking: he drinks almost daily (almost exclusively beer) maybe about 2-4 a day—enough so that from across the room I can tell he’s been drinking, but it may not be totally obvious to someone who doesn’t know him as well. When he drinks, he sometimes experiences insomnia and panic attacks. He gets depressed in the winter and has sought counseling for this. Under pressure from me to quit drinking, he has tried, but admits to being unable to *not* drink. (He has found the Moderation Management approach and internet support group helpful—especially when he abstained from drinking for 4 months.) He had on OWI arrest about seven to eight years ago.
Enter the angry wife: I do not like it when he drinks. Even though he isn’t a “mean drunk” or loosing his job or anything like that, I don’t like how the drinking affects him (muddled, unfocused, “stupid”) and the effects on our marriage and family. I become withdrawn, angry, and cold-shoulder him for days. He now lies to me at the drop of a hat about drinking (even though I can tell immediately he’s been drinking). I *hate* the lying. I find myself threatening to leave just to illustrate how serious I feel about all this (tough love?) (And now I have just read here how counterproductive that is. Clearly.)
But taking a few steps back: If I try and pull back and get my emotions out of the way, 2-3 drinks a night isn’t wholly unreasonable. What if I stopped making such a big deal about it? What if I gave him space and stopped the anger… I still think he would drink, and he would still probably not be able to stop drinking, however, so many things are good here. Is it me who is rocking the boat? I am not trying to rationalize or be an enabler, I am just wondering if what we are dealing with here is real alcoholism or “a drinker” with an angry wife?
Answer Hi Dawn,
It is difficult for me to diagnose a person an alcoholic long distance like this. However,the indicators suggesting a problem are these: 1) his drinking causes him insomnia and panic attacks; yet he still drinks; 2) if he has depression, alcohol use is usually not indicated because it is a CNS depressant and may exacerbate the depression; 3) he can't not drink; 4) tension in an intimate relationship caused by drinking is certainly a significant indicator of a problem. If 4 beers causes your husband to act "stupid", to have imnsomnia, and anxiety, and causes tension in your relationship, his drinking is problematic. Alcohol is far too important to him for his use of it NOT to be a problem: he lies to protect his right to continue to drink. I also wonder why he has to drink every day. 4 beers a day is beyond moderate and perhaps unhealthy. You don't specify his age: 2 beers or so is moderate under age 50 and considered by some to be healthy; over that age, maybe 1-2 is moderate.
It IS a good idea for you to try to emotionally detach a little. It may be a good tactic to not insist on abstinence, and to quietly and calmly tell your husband what behaviors you dislike when he drinks and suggest that he cut back on the amount, say to 1-2 beers rather than 3-4, and see if that helps the behaviors. Check out the principles used by the 12 Step Program called Al-Anon, which is for those in a relationship with an alcoholic: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/. Good luck.
Jan Williams
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
