AboutJohn Hendrix Expertise I can answer questions regarding treatment of Substance-related disorders using Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Motivational Enhancement Therapy.
Experience I am an Internationally Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor (ICADC) and have a Bachelors degree in Psychology.
Expert: John Hendrix Date: 5/12/2008 Subject: How to live with an alcoholic
Question My husband is an alcoholic whether he will admit it or not. During the course of a typical week he will consume 3 bottles of whiskey and probably a couple of 6 packs. If he finishes his booze after I and the kids have gone to bed sometimes I will hear him leave to drive to the store for more. He becomes increasingly angry while he drinks - I'll hear him swearing and muttering under his breath. He starts off "goofing off" and can get a little rough while playing with the kids, but after the kids are in bed he just retreats into himself. Normally around 2 - 4 in the morning he'll wake me up with complaints about how the house isn't clean enough or how I need to do things better. He'll of course expect sex after treating me like crap (and yep - it's lousy!) and I'll put up with it and him hoping that the kids don't wake up or that he'll just pass out. I don't know what to do as he doesn't agree that he drinks too much and says he comes to bed mad because I don't "put out enough". I can't continue on with our marriage like this and don't want the kids (ages 8, 5 and 1) to ever realize that their Dad is an alcoholic. Do you have any advice on what I can do or how I can help him stop. I love him so much (which sometimes seems so stupid of me) and don't want to break up our family. Help.
Thanks
Answer I am sorry to hear how difficult your situation is now. Your husband most definitely has an alcohol problem which needs attention. Unfortunately, it sounds as if he is not yet ready to address the issue.
When working with patients who do not admit to having such a problem, I often find that they honestly know their drinking is out of control but are unsure if they want to change their behavior. This can be because they are fearful of life without alcohol, but often it is because they have not faced the consequences of their actions.
Since you cannot stop your husband from drinking (none of us can make another person do something he or she does not want to do), perhaps you can assist him in becoming more ready to do so himself. I regularly use the phrase "People usually change not because they see the light, but because they feel the heat". You can provide such "heat" if you are willing to take the risk.
You can tell your husband calmly when he is sober that you are no longer willing to tolerate his drinking. You must also let him know what you will do if he continues as is; only you can decide what consequences you are willing to enforce. In a worst case scenario, you may have to separate from him to protect yourself and your children. However, there may be other less severe choices available, and a group called Al-Anon is very helpful for family members who need ideas. Information is available about the group online and in the telephone book.
I am concerned that your husband is driving at times after having been drinking, as I'm sure you are too. He is not only endangering himself, but other drivers as well. If the police were to be notified when he chooses to drive intoxicated, they would intervene and provide legal consequences for him. That also sometimes motivates people to change.
You do not say whether you feel physically threatened by your husband when he drinks, but I'm sure you will consider the safety of you and your children first whatever decisions you make. There are no easy answers to a situation such as yours, but "laying down the law" is usually the most effective way to care for yourself, and hopefully by extension, the well-being of your family.
