AboutClyde Expertise I can answer questions on the recovery from alcohol addiction as I am a recovering alcoholic with 14 years of sobriety. I can also address the spiritual aspects of the 12-Step program as I have a Master of Divinity degree.
Experience I am a recovering alcoholic with 14 years of continuous sobriety.
Education/Credentials Master of Divinity awarded in 2000 from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary
Expert: Clyde Date: 5/11/2008 Subject: A new approach?
Question Hi again - I wrote to you a couple of days ago about my alcohol-addicted boyfriend wanting to reconsile with me for the sake of family (we have a 1 y.o son). I read TJ letter who responded to my letter and you may not like the question im about to ask - If there ever was a hope that the 3 of us could live together again in the future, what steps should I take prior to moving back in?
Now im not saying that this is definately happening, but if we are both willing to do something we have never tried before - professional counselling - should we not at least try for the sake of 1: Feelings we have for eachother that wont go away, and 2: Our son which he loves more than anything on this earth?
Please dont think im being niave that he is playing games with me and will just go back to being a binge-drinking idiot as soon as im back - I feel like moving out for 3 months has made a big diference to his attitude and drinking behaviour for the better. He has told me about how he has stopped certain habits for himself (such as drinking straight after work), and that the old saying that you dont know what youve lost until its gone is actual true. Now he says he limits his intake and actually feels better for it. Hes trying and doing it for us.
I on the other hand - have come to a feel realisations of my own - having your first baby can leave you tired all the time - I also had a night job packing shelves in a supermarket, so that didnt leave me much time fo him. I always went to bed early and was too tired to do fun stuff. Now that hes neally too and i work day - the coping factor is so much easier - I feel like a lot of stress is taken away which will result in a healthier relationship. He admitted the drinking only got heavier due to me not wanting to spend time with him.
Clyde, please dont think im trying to justify his past behaviour with alcohol, but if their is a chance that someone in this world had made it work and come through the darkness to the light - I want to know if I too can have this? What do you suggest?
Thanks again.
PS - TJ I believe you did the right thing in your circumstance. The fact that he moved on is the ultimate reason that you should never go back.
Answer Heather,
Thank you for the follow-up to your situation.
The answer to all your questions is a resounding YES!!
That is the promise we have from God if we choose to begin living life differently - taking away those behaviors and habits that destroy relationships. When you think about it, addictions of any sort are just that - they destroy relationships. There is the crux of the addiction game.
The important thing for you to realize is that by your stepping out into the unknown and believing there is a better way you have turned this thing around. You have been the one to face the fear. Good for you. Now is not the time to retreat from that power you have been given.
Now, having power is one thing and abuse of power is another. You do not have this power of yourself - it is God-given. If you believe that then you also believe that anything is possible with God. Even the worst of relationships can be resurrected.
The old relationship has to die. That is what you have been able to accomplish here. If it is meant to be resurrected to new life then it will be so.
What I think I am hearing you say is that your boyfriend is showing signs of change and reflection on his past behaviors and habits. He has begun to realize that he is losing something very precious to him - you and his child. He misses real relationships!! That is a very, very good sign of hope.
Certainly you have also been looking within for your own part in the demise of the old living pattern - working long hard hours and not having energy or interest for a relationship. This is definitely a part of the equation and if you are serious about recognizing this on an on-going basis then you have hope as well from your own standpoint.
The significant thing for each of you to understand and keep foremost in your minds is this - the CHANGE MUST BE PERMANENT and there can be no retreat into the old. That is where counseling will certainly help and where Alcoholics Anonymous would help your boyfriend. AA and counseling, when used appropriately, causes a person to do an essential thing - get honest! Not cash-register honesty but honest about feelings and owning up to personal failures when we fall back into bad thinking and acting. It is not any easy thing to master but we say in AA that we strive for spiritual progress not spiritual perfection.
As far as the permanency of this change, many people get hung up here. They see life the way it is in the beginning of the change and guess what? They are afraid of the next change! Permanency here really means allowing God to move you through life, not the person calling the shots. With a spiritual approach, with someone in charge other than our egos and fears, we have a chance to really experience harmony and love in all our relationships.
In order to begin anew with your boyfriend, there needs to be negotiation. He needs to know what you will accept and what you won't. He needs to know that you have the strength and willingness to move out again should he break the promises he has made. You both must be willing to be honest and hold no secrets from one another, you both need to learn to be forthright and responsible.
Your boyfriend's alcohol use is another story all together and can not be addressed in this writing. He will need to do some serious soul-searching and decide that it has him caught in a very deadly hold. I hope that he will begin to do that serious soul-searching and discover what lies in wait for him - happy and meaningful relationships with people rather than a liquid.
