Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 5/6/2008

Question
Hello.  I am heartsick right now.  I have a friend, Cathy - my best friend - who told me about a year ago that she is an alcoholic.  She told me that she started drinking alone at night about 11 years ago and that she will drink until she passes out.  At night she would call me and say strange things.  She would also try to make me feel guilty about literally everything.  It started to disgust me.  She then went to a treatment center.  The treatment center she went to is about 80 miles from my house.  She was there about 3 weeks and I did not go see her.  I could have gone up for a ceremony, but for some reason I did not go.  In my own weak defense, I am extremely busy with my family and business.  

Cathy and I have been friends since we were 20 years old.  We went through our "wilder" days together and did our fair share of social drinking.  I then got married when I was 31, and embarked on a very busy life.  As a result, Cathy felt that I had "abandoned her."  She got married about 4 years ago and I thought everything was great.  Since she told me about her disease, our relationship has changed.  I am anxious when I speak with her because she is not seeking treatment.  I often ask her how she's doing, but she won't talk to me about her drinking.  I have told her that I will support her no matter what - I just want honesty.  Otherwise, I feel like a casual friend - not a true friend.  However, I'm not getting through.  She only talks to me about shallow issues.  Our relationship is more strained and it feels as if I'm losing her as a friend.  She has even played the blame game with me by saying that her drinking coincided with my marriage and isolation from her as a friend.  I am feeling sad, some guilt and quite a bit of anger.  Any advice??

Answer
Greetings to you, Annette.

I commend your concern for your friend, and I empathize with her in her present state.  Some of us can be more needy than others, and your friend has yet to be shown how to sort things out and bring her expectations down to more reasonable levels ... and sadly, there might not be very much you can do about that.  But, and thinking as I go, maybe something I say here will give you an idea or two.

You have written:

>> Cathy felt that I had "abandoned her."
>> She got married ... and I thought everything was great.

You have certainly done nothing wrong or unreasonable there.

>> She then went to a treatment center.
>> I did not go see her.
>> I could have gone up for a ceremony ...

With the right kind of help at that facility, that should not have mattered either way.

>> I am anxious when I speak with her because she is not seeking treatment.
>> I often ask her how she's doing, but she won't talk to me about her drinking.

I would guess she has yet to be shown that her drinking is but a symptom of her still-suffering state, and that she will not talk about here drinking because she does not yet know how she might be able to live without its effect.  She needs *something* to make her feel okay, and she has yet to discover spiritual fellowship.

>> I have told her that I will support her no matter what - I just want honesty.

As she has done in the past, she would likely be honest with you if she knew what to say, but at the moment she is probably afraid of being misunderstood or even criticized for not having answers even for herself.

>> Otherwise, I feel like a casual friend - not a true friend.

Whether or not her expectations of you are realistic, she probably believes you are putting some kind of condition on your friendship.  No two people are ever exactly alike, and your friend appears to be the more-needy one here.

>> However, I'm not getting through.
>> She only talks to me about shallow issues.

At least in principle, maybe this excerpt will help to explain that:

“Highly competent psychiatrists who have dealt with us have found it sometimes impossible to persuade an alcoholic to discuss his [or her] situation without reserve.  Strangely enough, wives, parents and intimate friends usually find us even more unapproachable than do the psychiatrist and the doctor.
“But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with [certain] facts about himself [or herself], can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours.  Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 18)

The key dynamic for helping almost any alcoholic is “mutual vulnerability, openly shared” (Ernest Kurtz).  You might not be an alcoholic, but you have been affected by your friend’s alcoholism.  So, “hurt” with her as best you can.

>> Our relationship is more strained and it feels as if I'm losing her as a friend.

Yes, you might be, and alcoholism is the cause:

“An illness of this sort - and we have come to believe it an illness - involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can.  If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt.  But no so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life.  It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's.  It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list.
“We hope this volume will inform and comfort those who are, or who may be affected.  There are many.” (page 18)

>> She has even played the blame game with me by saying that her drinking coincided with my marriage and isolation from her as a friend.

Even if she wrongly believes you are responsible for her drinking, it is still a fact that she has been drinking to “medicate” her many disappointments in life.

>> I am feeling sad, some guilt and quite a bit of anger.

Being perceived as a disappointment in someone’s life is not a crime – just remember to always direct your anger toward the illness, not the ill.

>> Any advice??

Speak softy, demand nothing, and begin reading “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book.  At least for now, you can read it here:

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Then, tell you friend you have begun reading a little about the kinds of struggles she has been having – do not mention alcohol or drinking until she might bring it up – and let her know you had no idea how difficult they really are:

“Leaving aside the drink question, they tell why living was so unsatisfactory ...
“... We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people ...” (pages 51-52)

The thing you are hoping to ultimately accomplish here is something like this:

“... go to [her] with this volume as joyfully as though you had struck oil.  [She] may not share your enthusiasm, but [she] is practically sure to read the book and [she] may go for the program at once.  If [she] does not, you will probably not have long to wait.  Again, you should not crowd ...” (page 113)

See, you friend has yet to hear of a real solution for a problem she does not even yet understand.  So, just do for her exactly as you would hope she would do for you if your dilemmas – afflicted and affected – were reversed: Help her at least become informed.  And of course, please know I will gladly do whatever I can to help along the way.

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
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