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Question
I am a recently divorce woman in my 40's. My ex was emotionally abusive and I am an ACOA (surprise!).Several months ago, I was introduced to a charming man who was also recently divorced, and in recovery 2 years. WE seemed to hit it off, although he didnt ask me out on a real date, just occasional coffee.It seemed that we became very good friends, staying in touch almost daily. After 4 months of friendship, I had him over for dinner and it was wonderful and we had incredible chemistry-which he initated. We seemed to take things to a higher level for 2-3 weeks--he was calling often, making plans with me, etc. THen suddenly he cooled and although still calling me and emailing me daily, he was busy every weekend with what seemed to be legitimate plans-not another woman. Recently I was over at his house for dinner and we had passionate sex, then talked. He again mentioned how busy he was the next few weekends, and it dawned on me that he didnt seem to want to be seen in public with me. I think he was thinking I was a great 'friend with benefits'. It seems to me that somewhere along the line, he must have found a girlfriend, but wanted to keep me too, at least for the sex??? He always pursued me if I withdrew, so it seemed he was interested. I quit returning his emails and texts, and he did too. Can you shed any light on his behavior?I am very sad. I wish the sex had never entered the picture, at least not so soon, but he was hard to say no to. I miss my very good friend, but he crossed some boundaries of respect and I cannot go back at this point.
Thank you!
Catherine
Greetings to you, Catherine.
You have asked:
>> Can you shed any light on his behavior?
In its natural state, the human mind is incapable of right judgment, discernment and decision. We all have natural instincts, needs and desires, and we all need other people in our lives in order for those instincts and such to be satisfied. However, we can only harm both others and ourselves when our minds have yet to be spiritually transformed ... and that is the purpose of the Steps.
You have written:
>> We seemed to hit it off, although ... just occasional coffee ... very good friends ...
>> I had him over for dinner ...
>> Can you shed any light on his behavior?
His intentions might have been honorable all along, yet he was unable to refrain from yielding to temptation. Your own desire for more than a mere friendship is very understandable, yet only pain can be the result of natural human thinking.
>> I am very sad.
You might not be accustomed to the hard-line approach to life, but here is the bottom line related to pain:
“Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity ... we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 62)
>> ... he was hard to say no to.
Prior to learning how to say “No” to others, we must first learn about saying “No” to our own selves, our “flesh”.
>> I miss my very good friend ...
If you might happen to find another, do not invite him to dinner!
>> ... he crossed some boundaries of respect ...
That is a matter of character that needs to be known well before a man and woman ever become as one, and reserving all physical intimacy for the marriage bed is one of the key elements necessary for right discernment beforehand.
Peace to you,
Joseph Lee O.
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Answers by Expert:
Joseph Lee O.
Expertise
Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience
The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
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