AboutJan Edward Williams Expertise all questions related to drug or alcohol addiction, except those requiring the expertise of a physician or those relating to mental health problems apart from addiction. See my web site: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com
Experience I have been working as a licensed addictions counselor for 29 years and am in recovery myself for 31 years
Organizations Licensed Clinical Professional Counselors Maryland
Maryland Addictions Professional Certification Board
Education/Credentials MS Counseling
Licensed Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselor, Maryland
Expert: Jan Edward Williams Date: 5/27/2008 Subject: setting boundaries with alcoholic friend
Question Hi, My husband and I have a dear friend who we are concerned about. We first suspected he was an alcoholic after taking a few vacation trips together and we witnessed his excessive drinking. After several years and many other incidents of casual drinking with us that turned verbally abusive on his part, I confronted him and asked if he thought he could have a drinking problem. He denied it at first - but many months later admitted that he definitely struggled with restraint once he opens the first beer. He is often combative and mean/foul mouthed when he is drinking as he will start an argument over the dumbest things. He says things when he is drunk like "you are over weight so you have addictions too and are judging me". He will even taunt me calling me 'fatty' (I am 40 lbs over weight), or be rude to my husband. We know is he drunk but he thinks "sorry" makes it ok. If we don’t talk to him after his drunk/hateful episodes, he sees this as rejecting and punishing him. He does apologize when he is sober, but the cycle continues. What should we do? How do we set boundaries for our friendship and his drinking without rejecting him? He has gone to AA a few times but never sticks with it. We love him and want to do the right thing. We know we can not "make" him better.
Answer Hello Rebecca,
Your instincts are good; as you suggest, you cannot fix your friend, but you can try to not inadvertently enable him, that is, by not appropriately confronting him about his behaviors, give him the message his drinking and negative behaviors are OK. I try not to diagnose long distance but your friend's drinking sure seems to produce the patterns usually supporting a diagnosis of alcoholism: use in the face of adverse consequences, including negative personality change, behaviors against his values, tension in relationships, inability to control amounts once started, and attendance of AA. The best approach is to speak with him when he is sober (you already know that), and honestly, but with expressions of love, describe the negative behaviors and how they hurt you, and urge him to seek help. At some point you may have to decide to tell him that you care too much about him to continue to observe his harmful drinking behaviors, and to allow them to hurt you, and that you will not be able to continue your relationship with him until he obtains help and achieves sobriety. I know terminating the relationship would be difficult, but it could be a very loving act when phrased in terms of urging him to seek help so that you can have your old friend back.
