AboutJan Edward Williams Expertise all questions related to drug or alcohol addiction, except those requiring the expertise of a physician or those relating to mental health problems apart from addiction. See my web site: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com
Experience I have been working as a licensed addictions counselor for 28 years and am in recovery myself for 30 years
Organizations Licensed Clinical Professional Counselors Maryland
Maryland Addictions Professional Certification Board
Education/Credentials MS Counseling
Licensed Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselor, Maryland
Question I am currently attending Al Anon as I believe/know from the core of my soul my wife is an alcoholic. I am helpless over this disease and it has affected my emotional and physical health. I have learned through Al Anon along with a psychologist I have been seeing that it is not unusual for the spouse of an alcoholic to become sick themselves. I have been sick for a while and didn't realize it but I am doing everything in my power to get healthy again. Al Anon has been a big help in that I have realized that I started many fights as a result of my reaction to my wifes drinking and now I walk away or don't say anything at all. This has helped in my relationship with my children as they do not see their father as being angry all of the time. This has also escalated the focus of my wifes need to be angry at me because I am not giving the reaction she wants as an excuse to drink more. I have told her that I am going to Al Anon to get help because her drinking has affected my health and she does not like this at all.
I would like to know if there is any hope based upon your experience or if this is what it will be like for the rest of my life (dealing with a drunk)? I am turning 50 this year and I am looking at my life thinking the odds are not in my favor as it relates to my wife quitting drinking or admitting her problem. What are the odds or percentages of alcoholics stopping based upon your experience? I need hope but there doesn't seem to be any. I have 2 children aged 14 and 10 and my alcoholic wife stays home. The laws in Canada are in the womans favor when it comes to separation and divorce and I stand to lose my kids and becoming a part time Dad not to mention being financially neutered do to alimony and child support payments. Am I in a position where there is really nothing I can do but hope and pray?
Sincerely,
Glen
Answer Hello Glen,
I can tell you have learned a lot from your Al-Anon program, and hope that you can continue to attend. Looking at your wife's alcoholism as a disease, as Al-Anon does, and her behavior as the result of that sickness, can help not only you, but also your children, to try to separate her alcoholic behavior which is caused by her disease, from her as a human being. I am NOT saying that the disease excuses your wife's behavior, but that the disease concept EXPLAINS her behavior. The only way that an alcoholic becomes willing to consider stopping and treatment, is through being allowed to experience pain and consequences from her behavior. I think there IS hope in your situation, because due to your Al-Anon training you are not protecting your wife from the consequences of her alcoholism, and are not reacting in ways that can give her excuses to blame her drinking on you. I also like what else you've done---that is, telling your wife you're going to Al-Anon and why. Doing this helps her to experience some pain as a result of her drinking.
Have you considered an intervention? Has your wife been to any treatment? Here is a website on intervention: http://www.intervention.com/.
Finally, I suggest focusing a lot of effort on your Al-Anon program, especially seeking the spiritual strength available there. Telling your wife you love her but not her alcoholic behavior and allowing the pain from her drinking to happen, and detaching with love, can, over time, result in her agreeing to seek help. Good luck.
