AboutDruideck Expertise All questions are important,
I have over 22 years of personal experience with alcoholism and recovery issues.
Advanced Counsellor Training / Experience with treatment and AA.
Experience Over 22 years of recovery from alcoholism.
Counsellor in an alcohol outpatient office.
Experience as client and as counsellor in treatment center.
Expert: Druideck Date: 5/2/2008 Subject: What now???
Question Thanks for taking the time to read this. I just broke up with my girlfriend of 1 1/2 years. After a month of uneasiness, I confronted her about her drinking. I told her that I would drive her to an AA meeting that night. She refused. I pleaded with her to do it for us, her son, and most importantly herself. She still refused. I then told her that I could not carry on with her like this so I told her that we were done.
That was a week ago. Now I am having second thoughts. I went to an Alanon meeting that night and heard some of the horror stories that the other participants offered, and thought to myself, "she wasn't THAT bad". Now I am wondering if I acted too quickly.
She and I lived in separate places, but sometimes I would spend the weekend with her and her son. On weekdays, we would always meet after work for 2 or 3 beers. She would then pick up her son and go home. On the nights that I stayed over, I would go with her. Once she gets home she always had a beer in her hand or nearby. She would normally drink 3 or 4 before going up to bed. When she goes to bed she takes a beer or two up with her and will drink one in bed and the other around 3am when she has trouble sleeping. The funny thing is that she never seemed drunk. She would wake up in the morning, and finish up what ever she had not drunk of her 3am beer. That was her weekday routine. However, every other weekend when she did not have her son, she would go off the deep end. She would use this time to "cut loose". Most of the time I was with her to keep her from doing anything stupid. The problem was when I was not there. I was constantly worried, and my friends would tell me later that she was out of control that night. I started noticing that I was drinking more than I was comfortable with. That, plus another scary night of worrying while I was away on business, pushed my decision to confront her.
She is a wonderful woman and I really love her son, but I could not live with the constant worrying. I do not intend on getting back together with her, but I still find myself worried. Both for her and her son. Should I be??? If so, what can I do?
Thanks
Answer Brian,
the nature of alcoholism is strong denial.
This eventually affects the people that
live with drinkers.
We always want to minimize the problem,
we can always find someone that is worse
for comparison.
It sounds like she uses alcohol as a
sedative and also goes on the
occasional binge.
Trying to control her behaviour
is part of the illness that affects
others. This is called enabling.
We often protect them from the danger,
discomfort or embarrassment they would experience
if left on their own.
Ironically, the consequences are what drives
most drinkers to seek help.
When things get really bad is when we
become willing to go to rehabs or AA meetings.
It is normal to worry but worry can also
be a part of our own addiction or obscession
with the person drinking.
We can get hooked into worrying, obscessing
and trying to "fix" or control the drinker.
This is a relationship illness that
comes from living around alcoholics.
We can't stop trying to change them
into our idea of what is right for them.
The ability to "detach" from the drinker
and their behaviour is part of
what "Al-Anon" meetings are for.
Also some areas have co-dependents
anonymous.
They help us to move our focus of attention
to ourself and try to let go of the drinker
and let consequences dictate if they
will seek help or not.
I know this is hard but only help
her after she shows some serious
desire to change. This is her
illness and her responsibility.
You didn't cause it nor can you control
the outcome, so let go of your worry
to the ways of life and the universe.
