Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 6/19/2008

Question
My wife and I have been married 24 years, we both work fulltime, and have a son 23 who still lives at home.  While we both enjoyed a drink or two on the weekends, about 7-8 years ago, my wife started drinking during the week days after work.  It started with one, but gradually increased over time – a beer or two right after work followed by a gin and tonic later.  Back then I confronted her and she would say she was just relaxing after a stressful day.  As time went by, I noticed he drinking more and more.  When I confronted her she would hide it. I could go on about all the places I found bottles in our house.  In June 2005, I caught her having an affair.  I believe she had been cheating on me for some time, but in all came to a head in June.  We went to a marriage counselor.  He asked my wife if she had a drinking problem – she denied it.  Now three years later, we are still together.  But she still hides gin under the bed.  She goes thru at least three 750 ml bottles a week.  She drinks after work and I believe she will have one in the morning also. On the weekends, she usually does a little work around the house and then hits the bottle.  Again, she hides it from me, and she thinks I have no clue.  I’m just so tired of it all.  Our house is a mess – there’s empties hidden all over.   What do I do?  No one knows what’s going on except me.

Answer
Greetings to you, Mark.

You have asked:

>> What do I do?

First, please understand (or remember) there is no quick-and-easy solution for an ever-growing problem that has developed slowly over a long period of time.  Your wife’s dependence upon the effect of alcohol could have developed over any of several things either in or about her life overall, and being rid of it will ultimately require, at least in part, looking back to what was already troubled or “going wrong”, as such, even before she ever began drinking as she now does.

You have written:

>> ... about 7-8 years ago, my wife started drinking during the week days after work ... and she would say she was just relaxing after a stressful day.

Her accomplishments at work were not giving her a much-needed sense of personal fulfillment as a woman, a wife and a mother.  Hence, and even if unwittingly or subconsciously, she began “using” alcohol to numb certain mental and emotional internals.

>> As time went by, I noticed he drinking more and more.

There are two possibilities here, and both could be present:
1) Mentally, she felt “safe” about drinking more so she could get more of the effect she found emotionally comforting;
2) The physical aspect of alcoholism was beginning to kick in and cause one drink to demand another.

>> When I confronted her she would hide it.

Sure, and just like all of us used to keep secrets around our parents when we were sure certain things were good for us in spite of anything they might say.  Your wife attempts to protect her supply and her drinking by hiding them because she is convinced the effect she gets is something good and maybe even necessary for her.

>> In June 2005, I caught her having an affair ...
>> ... a marriage counselor ... asked my wife if she had a drinking problem ...

Evidently he did not know she has a sense-of-personal-fulfillment problem ... and my point here is simply this: Alcohol is *not* your wife’s problem.  Rather, her drinking, and however problematic, is a mere symptom of an overall “dis-ease” with life.

>> ... asked my wife if she had a drinking problem – she denied it.

She probably knows there is something wrong with someone who is so dependent upon the effect of alcohol, and she might even suspect there is something abnormal about how much (as well as how often) she drinks.  However, and for a variety or reasons:

“Highly competent psychiatrists who have dealt with us have found it sometimes impossible to persuade an alcoholic to discuss his situation without reserve.  Strangely enough, wives, parents and intimate friends usually find us even more unapproachable than do the psychiatrist and the doctor.
“But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with [certain] facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours.  Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 18)

>> ... she hides it from me, and she thinks I have no clue.

Just play along for now.  You are dealing with a mind and rationale (hers) that few people ever even begin to understand, and there is absolutely nothing to be gained from in any way attempting to draw it out, expose it or whatever else.

>> I’m just so tired of it all.
>> Our house is a mess – there’s empties hidden all over.
>> What do I do?

Hire a discreet cleaning person to come in once or twice each week, tell your son that the two of you will now be taking care of your own laundry and cooking, begin reading “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book – there is no other treatment for your wife’s illness – and get back to me with questions that come up.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
(Note: The chapter “To Wives” can also be helpful to husbands.)

Joseph Lee
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/ (new)