Expert: Todd - 6/26/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi Todd-

My husband is an alcoholic.  Prior to marrying him and having two little girls together, I was never told he had been in rehab 3 times for drugs, and ETOH, was divorced from 1st wife r/t ETOH and received Supervised visitation with his then 3 year old son again due to alcohol.After kind of comparing notes with her, I realize that I am living the life that she used to have with him.  He was sober for a good # of years, and as far as I know, stayed sober the first 3 years we were married--we've been married 7 now and he has been either coked up or drunk.  The latter is his choice.  Rehab 3 times 2 DUI's one last year, and he is on a tear again, after 3 months of sobriety.  He disappears for days, sometimes a week at a time checking into a motel, and drinking and watching pornography.  We have a 3 year old and 5 year old little girls and I'm just wondering, given this track record--am I holding onto false hope that this will change.  I've been going through this for 4 years now, and I am beginning to think this is it for me--Like this will never change.  He is kind of miserable when he is sober.  He is highly functioning (has his own construction business) but even that is doing poorly now.  The business is interfering with his drinking, and I am public enemy #1.  He acts as if he hates me when he is withdrawing from the alcohol, or when he is totally drunk??  I am an RN- But I struggle being therapeutic with him.  Just wondering what your thoughts are?  Thanks Todd!  Leah

ANSWER: Hi there,

Thanks for the question - it lets me know you'd like to move past where you are.

I'm thinking you already know the answer. It's not so much "will my situation change" rather, how much are you willing to put up with his behavior?

I wonder if you have ever given him an ultimatum and followed through? It seems to me that most chemically dependent people are motivated by a crisis. While his life is in a crisis, I didn't see where you created an external crisis in your marriage. I don't know you, but you are very tolerant - I don't know if I would have lasted this long.

Your husband is known as a chronic recidivist, and in my experience things generally never change with those folks unless they have a MAJOR crisis.

I imagine that this has left you drained emotionally. I'm wondering if you have thought about seeing a counselor for 4-8 sessions, or attending some al-anon meetings? You really need support, and I hope you find that.

I wish I could be more hopeful for your husband's prognosis, however, it's my sense that what you see is what you get right now. You might think of giving him an ultimatum - that you are getting divorced unless he can get sober (pick any number which makes you comfortable) and stay sober...and when he gets sober I'd invite you to develop what I call an accountability contract....that is, the things he is willing to do, what you need to see happen, and what he will allow other people to do should he begin slipping back into his old ways.

I hope you find the peace and support you need. You are always welcome to write back and let me know how it works out.

Todd

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Todd-- I sent you a little thank you note earlier that I hope you got, but I was wondering if you had any ideas about how you think this contract should read.  What should be included??  I'm a nurse, but cardiac, not this stuff, so any advice you could give you know I will appreciate--

Thanks again,
Leah

Answer
Hello to you,

I received your comments,,,thank you. I am glad you found them helpful. I usually don't respond to follow-up questions, however, I know you're concerned so I'll send you a final message.

I think I'd outline the contract like a normal contract, and I'd say something like this.


I___________(insert name here)...realize that my chemical dependency has caused a lot of heartache for me, my kids, and especially my wife. I can see that it has been difficult to live with me for (insert whatever reasons you want..making sure you use "I" statements) and that my family is both extremely concerned and frustrated. In order to remain in this marriage, make it work, be a dad, and be present for my family, I am willing to do the following:

List all of the things he needs to do to make you comfortable - you can even go so far as to ask for him to submit to random UA's at a local lab...

Perhaps he needs to agree to go to support group meetings One per week is not enough - 2-3 is probably best), attend to some sort of volunteer work, find a sponsor, go to the doctor and see about a health check, depression, etc. If he is depressed he will drink - there is a huge tie to depression and relapse..I wouldn't tell him this as he will use it as permission to drink...if he is prescribed meds, make sure he agrees to take them...not doing so would violate the contract...if he has side-effects, he can get a different med....there are many available..

List everything you want, be reasonable but open..there are things that he must do,,so list them.

List the things you're willing to do, whatever they are..listen to him talk about his cravings, etc.....

Finally, list a disclaimer.....I, (insert name here) understand that should people notice that my sobriety is in trouble, I am willing to let them take me to treatment, call my doctor, inform my family members, etc  (list whatever you think is reasonable, and whatever you need to feel comfortable)

Just a few thoughts.....most chemically dependent people are motivated by a crisis....he might be willing to follow through, even for a short time....tell him you need to see 6-9 months of sobriety before you trust again....once he is sober for three months, perhaps your contract will suggest marriage counseling (might be a good idea)...he needs to know that should he not follow through and should he evidence some behavioral indicators that he has slipped, you will proceed to file for divorce..

Now here's the thing...YOU MUST follow through.....I am not telling you anything you don't know.....and ya know, as much as you love this man, and that he is the father of your children, you need to think about you first and foremost......you might feel like you are being mean or rude by asking him to leave your life,,,,but I sense that is akin to tough love...he needs to know that his behavior is serious........sometimes people need to get the boot to change....

I would like you to check out a few al-anon meetings......or see a counselor for a few sessions....many al-anon meetings have child care.....perhaps you have a friend that can watch your children while you attend the meetings, etc.....I guess what I am saying is that you have been through a lot..don't neglect you....I don't know your entire situation, but it's my sense that living with a practicing alcoholic is crazy-making, and that at times it is similar to living with a petulant child.

I've met many women/moms who have been in your situation,,,and while they feel like they are drowning when they are pushed off the boat to follow-through, most of the time they do a great job of swimming, even if they need to dog-paddle for a while....something tells me that you are one of those women.....

You are always welcome to write me in a few months to let me know how it worked out.

take good care.

Todd