My husband is an alcoholic. Prior to marrying him and having two little girls together, I was never told he had been in rehab 3 times for drugs, and ETOH, was divorced from 1st wife r/t ETOH and received Supervised visitation with his then 3 year old son again due to alcohol.After kind of comparing notes with her, I realize that I am living the life that she used to have with him. He was sober for a good # of years, and as far as I know, stayed sober the first 3 years we were married--we've been married 7 now and he has been either coked up or drunk. The latter is his choice. Rehab 3 times 2 DUI's one last year, and he is on a tear again, after 3 months of sobriety. He disappears for days, sometimes a week at a time checking into a motel, and drinking and watching pornography. We have a 3 year old and 5 year old little girls and I'm just wondering, given this track record--am I holding onto false hope that this will change. I've been going through this for 4 years now, and I am beginning to think this is it for me--Like this will never change. He is kind of miserable when he is sober. He is highly functioning (has his own construction business) but even that is doing poorly now. The business is interfering with his drinking, and I am public enemy #1. He acts as if he hates me when he is withdrawing from the alcohol, or when he is totally drunk?? I am an RN- But I struggle being therapeutic with him. Just wondering what your thoughts are? Thanks Todd! Leah
Answer Hi there,
Thanks for the question - it lets me know you'd like to move past where you are.
I'm thinking you already know the answer. It's not so much "will my situation change" rather, how much are you willing to put up with his behavior?
I wonder if you have ever given him an ultimatum and followed through? It seems to me that most chemically dependent people are motivated by a crisis. While his life is in a crisis, I didn't see where you created an external crisis in your marriage. I don't know you, but you are very tolerant - I don't know if I would have lasted this long.
Your husband is known as a chronic recidivist, and in my experience things generally never change with those folks unless they have a MAJOR crisis.
I imagine that this has left you drained emotionally. I'm wondering if you have thought about seeing a counselor for 4-8 sessions, or attending some al-anon meetings? You really need support, and I hope you find that.
I wish I could be more hopeful for your husband's prognosis, however, it's my sense that what you see is what you get right now. You might think of giving him an ultimatum - that you are getting divorced unless he can get sober (pick any number which makes you comfortable) and stay sober...and when he gets sober I'd invite you to develop what I call an accountability contract....that is, the things he is willing to do, what you need to see happen, and what he will allow other people to do should he begin slipping back into his old ways.
I hope you find the peace and support you need. You are always welcome to write back and let me know how it works out.
