Expert: Rebos - 6/25/2008

Question
Hello,
I'm going to try to be brief but still give you all of the details.  My mother, a 57 year old woman with three grandkids and a 4th on the way, has developed a problem with alcohol over the last 10 years.  Growing up, my mother would not allow alcohol in the house at all (maybe beers for a party but that is it) because she had seen it's effects on my dad's family.  His father is an alcoholic, currently with dementia, and it ruined the family dynamic and his wife's (my grandmother's) life.  
About 10 years ago, my parents bought a hot tub and started to enjoy a glass of wine in there a few times a week.  The amount has increased to at least a bottle each in the hot tub and many times more before or after with dinner.  My mother started developing memory problems that we think are exacerbated by the drinking, in that she repeats conversations numerous times, can't remember things that happen while she is drinking, etc.  Her body movements have also become more rigid and we've noticed changes in her all over.  It's gotten to the point where my sisters and I are thinking of having an intervention.  Her yoga instructor has now told my sister that she believes my mom is drinking before her afternoon classes and I believe my mom is drinking alone every day.  The day after she drinks heavily, she is a different person and it's really worrying me.  On top of all this, I am moving home to be near my parents so they can help take care of my children and I just don't feel comfortable with her being with my kids because of all of this.
About 1.5 years ago, I confronted my mother about her drinking and she acknowledged that they were letting it get a bit out of control and she would curb it.  What we've determined is that it means they hide their drinking around us.  Also, it's gotten even worse as the amounts have increased and, like I mentioned, she is drinking these amounts alone at night.
Do you have any suggestions of how we can approach my mother again about her drinking?  Our attempts in the past have been futile.
Thanks,
Concerned daughter

Answer
Good afternoon Sarah and thank you for your question.

Your mother is an alcoholic (from your description) and the most natural thing for her to do is to drink alcohol. I am not a physician, but you should be concerned, among other serious physical problems with her memory; there is a term called a “wet brain” that refers to a very real condition known as Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. This chronic brain syndrome is caused by long-term alcoholism and is accompanied by a triad of symptoms: 1) mental disturbance; 2) confusion, drowsiness and paralysis of eye movements; and 3) ataxia or a staggering gait. A primary cause for this is a thiamine (vitamin B1) deficiency due to severe malnutrition and poor intestinal absorption of food and vitamins caused by alcohol. The person with wet brain acts much like the Alzheimer’s victim with loss of recent memory, disorientation with regard to time and place, confusion and confabulation, or telling imagined and untrue experiences as truth. If wet brain is identified in its early onset, an infusion of thiamine (B1) may help. Unfortunately, there is no recovery from Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. Therefore, it is one of the most tragic consequences of alcoholism.

You may want to get in touch with your local Counsel on Alcoholism and find out who they would recommend to run an Alcoholism Intervention for your mother.

I strongly recommend that you start to attend Alanon meetings! You may not be able to do anything about your mother’s drinking problem but you can do something about the problem that has developed in YOUR life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help her by first learning to help yourself. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Al-Anon is where you will get better. You need is to listen to others who are or have been in a similar situation that you are in now and have found an answer to their problem. I guarantee that if you attend Al-Anon regularly, and work on your self… you will get better. That’s not to say that your mother will get better because you go to Al-Anon, but you will learn how to detach from her illness with love and learn to hate the disease and not its victim.

Please DO NOT TRUST your children with your mother. Even though her intentions are to trust her, that she will not drink, while minding them… don’t believe her.

Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease; the AMA says it is. Drinking alcoholically is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for your mother to recover. Without your mother learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety". It isn’t very long before an alcoholic must drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to the near beer with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs).

The following is what the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism suggests when dealing with an alcoholic.

“Getting an alcoholic into treatment can be a challenging situation. An alcoholic cannot be forced to get help except under certain circumstances, such as when a violent incident results in police being called or following a medical emergency. This doesn't mean, however, that you have to wait for a crisis to make an impact. Based on clinical experience, many alcoholism treatment specialists recommend the following steps to help an alcoholic accept treatment:

Stop all "rescue missions." Family members and friends often try to protect an alcoholic from the results of their behavior by making excuses to others about their drinking and by getting him out of alcohol-related jams. It is important to stop all such rescue attempts immediately, so that the alcoholic will fully experience the harmful effects of his or her drinking--and thereby become more motivated to stop.

Time your intervention. Plan to talk with the drinker shortly after an alcohol-related problem has occurred--for example, a serious family argument in which drinking played a part or an alcohol-related accident. Also choose a time when he or she is sober, when both of you are in a calm frame of mind, and when you can speak privately.

Be specific. Tell the family member that you are concerned about his or her drinking and want to be supportive in getting help. Back up your concern with examples of the ways in which his or her drinking has caused problems for both of you, including the most recent incident.

State the consequences. Tell the family member that until he or she gets help, you will carry out consequences--not to punish the drinker, but to protect yourself from the harmful effects of the drinking. These may range from refusing to go with the person to any alcohol-related social activities to moving out of the house. Do not make any threats you are not prepared to carry out.

Be ready to help. Gather information in advance about local treatment options. If the person is willing to seek help, call immediately for an appointment with a treatment program counselor. Offer to go with the family member on the first visit to a treatment program and/or AA meeting.

Call on a friend. If the family member still refuses to get help, ask a friend to talk with him or her, using the steps described above. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic may be particularly persuasive, but any caring, nonjudgmental friend may be able to make a difference. The intervention of more than one person, more than one time, is often necessary to persuade an alcoholic person to seek help.

Find strength in numbers. With the help of a professional therapist, some families join with other relatives and friends to confront an alcoholic as a group. While this approach may be effective, it should only be attempted under the guidance of a therapist who is experienced in this kind of group intervention.

Get support. Whether or not the alcoholic family member seeks help, you may benefit from the encouragement and support of other people in your situation. Support groups offered in most communities include Al-Anon, which holds regular meetings for spouses and other significant adults in an alcoholic's life, and Alateen, for children of alcoholics. These groups help family members understand that they are not responsible for an alcoholic's drinking and that they need to take steps to take care of themselves, regardless of whether the alcoholic family member chooses to get help”. (End of suggestions)

I don’t want to overburden you with any more details than I have already written, but remember that whether or not your mother does anything about her drinking problem… you and any of your siblings should go to Al-Anon! I hope that I have helped you with my answer. If you have any specific questions feel free to write me again. Thank you, Rebos