Expert: Rebos - 6/19/2008

Question
My husband of 3 years is an alcoholic. I just realized this about 3 months ago and what the ramifications of being an alcoholic entail. I didn't grow up with alcoholism and drinking was never an issue in my life or anyone else's life that I knew before him. I have been attending Alanon since realizing he's an alcoholic. I've also done extensive research and have talked with counselors. My husband is 56 and took his first drink of alcohol at age 13. He's been in and out of rehab 4 times. The first three times (that I didn't know about, happened before we met) were outpatient, this last time (he just got home 2 weeks ago) was inpatient. He swears this time he gets it and that this has saved his life, that he likes being sober, and will never drink again.  Before he left inpatient treatment he told me instead of going to a half-way house he would be coming home and attending daily (M-F) outpatient rehab from 10:00-12:00 every morning and attending AA meetings every day. Then just before he got out of inpatient, the outpatient rehab was changed to only twice per week for 2 hours, but still attending AA meetings every day. Since he's been home the outpatient rehab is now dwindling to 1-1½ hours and will probably be cut to once per week instead of twice - he says at the counselor's request, not his. Also his daily AA meetings are now not including attending on weekends, only during the week. During his active drinking he lied to me, manipulated me, hid things from me and was just dishonest in all aspects of our relationship (most of which I didn't find out about until after I realized he was an alcoholic). My trust for him is gone. He is still lying (about stupid things)and when he admits he lied he will spout an AA slogan at me instead of apologizing. His affect is flat and he shows very little emotion. We are not getting along. I supported him through his inpatient rehab. I was the only person in his very large family who visited him on visiting days (his own adult children did not go). I love him, but I don't know if I can continue in this relationship. I have so many scenarios running around in my head. I miss him terribly. I miss his friendship, the understanding he used to have, his support, his laughter, his silly jokes. His affect is flat, he seems to have no emotions, he is not the same person he used to be. This hurts SO much!
I have been patient with him for the past 4 years. I have forgiven every sin and tried to forget about them, put them in the past and move forward. And every time I do that, there’s another “sin”. In my eyes, if I just keep forgiving them I’m allowing them to continue because he knows he’ll just be forgiven and it will be over and he doesn’t have to change anything. I don’t know how to deal with his lies. I know how to deal with your drinking – he does it again, I’m gone. I don’t know how to deal with his lies. He would never in a million years put up with from me what I have put up with from him. Why is it that I’m expected to just keep putting up and shutting up? How come I’m the one who has to put forth all the patience, understanding, loving caring attitude, sympathy and empathy?  I didn’t commit the sins. For the past 4 years my life has revolved around him. I have lost who I am and I'm afraid of now knowing who I am. I have been paralyzed by this fear for the past 3 months. I am on an emotional roller coaster. I think maybe I'm in love with the fantasy I thought our marriage was and the reality of what it is. How long will it take a end stage 4 alcoholic to "get back to normal", to stop having a flat affect, to show some emotions?  Why isn't he just himself anymore?

Answer

Good afternoon Chris and thank you for your question. You apparently did not know your husband very well prior to your marriage. He duped into marrying him… since he lied to you about being in a detoxification clinic 3 times before you met him. Unfortunately, he has not changed his ways! He may be one of those poor unfortunates who can’t get honest about their situation. Whether or not you intend to stay married to this man I hope that you will remain active in your Alanon group.

Unless your husband takes his disease serious; by going to AA meetings every day, having a sponsor, and using him by calling him everyday, joining a group and becoming active in that group, asking for help from a Power greater than he is, and above all working the 12 steps of recovery he is destined to “never” change and he will drag you down with him! Alcoholism is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem, and until he finds what that problem is he is destined to repeat his problem over and over again. AA can help him to find what that problem is. No counselor worth his salt would ever tell an alcoholic to go to only one meeting a week. It doesn’t work that way! In fact most counselors will insist that their clients go to at least one meeting a day, everyday. Your husband is still lying to you, and if not then he has the wrong counselor!

Is your self-esteem so low that you allow your husband who is the sick one to run your life? Your happiness cannot depend a drunk… they are unreliable. Your husband is a very, very sick man and should not be trusted to ever get well until he admits and accepts that his life is unmanageable and that he is powerless over the drug alcohol. True happiness has to come within you, rather than “What are you going to do today to make me happy?”

I hope that I have not offended you by my answer… but alcoholism is deadly and is a great remover. It will destroy everything that an alcoholic possess! What ever you do never, never make any threats to your husband that you are not willing to follow through with! If I can be of further help please send a follow-up question. Thank you Rebos