Expert: Rebos - 6/2/2008

Question
I'm sitting here tonight at the PC in total desperation.
My wife has been a chronic alcoholic for the last 10-12 years and tonight she is in the local psychiatric hospital. I have two children now aged 18 and 13 that I have shielded from their mother's addiction for 10 years but it can't go on. I believe with the amount of debt that has accumulated we are about to lose our home. My wife told me on the phone tonight that she is getting out of hospital tomorrow and is going to present herself as homeless. She has walked away from responsibility all her alcoholic life. What hurts most is that her family think it is my fault. I have only ever wanted a loving family and thought we had one. The episodes of her going on benders was becoming more frequent and for the sake of myself and two kids we've got to draw the line now. How can I get the strength to see me through the dark days to come. I know the acquisations will fly, the pain at what is about to happen and the shame our two kids will feel is unbearable. Please help

Answer

Good afternoon Brian and thank you for your question.

I can’t tap you on the shoulder with a magic wand and make your problems go away, but I can tell you where to go to get help. Have you ever considered attending Alanon meetings? If you do start to attend you will find others who are or have been in a similar situation as you are in now. All of your children are old enough so that they can go to Alateen. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going and destroy what is left of your family unit. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your wife’s alcoholism and your problems in general is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Alanon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

If you don’t already know, Alanon is a world–wide “anonymous program” attended by people who have an alcoholic in their lives and don’t know what to do about it. By attending Alanon meetings (and your children Alateen) you will find that your situation is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you will learn about the disease of alcoholism and how you can manage “your” unmanageable life as a result of your wife’s alcoholism. You will quickly be relieved to know that there is hope for you, (as others have) who you will meet there. There is no cost to attend, and meetings usually last about an hour. As a fringe benefit, in addition to helping you with your wife’s alcoholism you may (if you choose) also make many long lasting friendships. At the meetings you will learn how to “say what you mean… mean what you say and… not be mean when you say it”. You will learn how to emotionally detach from your wife’s alcoholism… with love. You will also learn how to live “guilt free” when you find that you are not the problem but the victim. You will also learn how to be strong enough to resist the negative influence that she has over you, and your children’s lives. Alanon is intended to help you, not the alcoholic directly. If it is at all possible to help your wife you must first learn to help yourself. Alcoholism is a societal disease that affects everyone (friends, family, and employers etc) who comes into contact with an active alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your wife’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information and understand the disease for what it really is, your efforts to get you out of your jam will be a waste of time.

Knowing how smart the children of today are I doubt it if your children haven’t figured out what is wrong with their mother. I would tell them the truth about your situation. Of course your wife’s family is going to blame you… they are in denial about their daughter’s illness.

If I can be of further help please send me a follow-up question. Thank you Rebos