Expert: Rebos - 6/4/2008

Question
my father is an alcoholic, i have tried talking to him many times about his problems. five years later he is getting the health problems resulting from the alcoholism. i have tried the son approach, the employee approach, and the friendly approach, nothing seems to work. He has lost his marriage, his business, many friends and some relatives, and all of his money. I have talked to relatives about my situation and would like an outside pro opinion. I am 24 years old, i am pretty intelligent but i just don't know what to do. I know that i can only do so much to try to get him to want help, some advice from a professional would mean allot.

Answer
Good morning Dave and thank you for your question. Unfortunately, your father is in denial and until he hits his “bottom” neither you nor God can knock the drink from his hand. Your father has to get “sick and tired of being sick and tired” before he gets the help he so desperately needs.

I am going to give you the same advice that I have, so many times, given to hundreds of others, and IT DOES WORK! I strongly suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings as soon as possible. If you do start to attend you will find others who are or have been in a similar situation as you are in now. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep your unhappiness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your father’s alcoholism is to gain knowledge about his disease and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Alanon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

If you don’t already know, Alanon is a world–wide “anonymous program” attended by people who have an alcoholic in their lives and don’t know what to do about it. By attending Alanon meetings you will find that your situation is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you will learn about the disease of alcoholism and how you can manage “your” unmanageable life as a result of your father’s alcoholism. You will quickly be relieved to know that there is hope for you, from the people who you will meet there. There is no cost to attend, and meetings usually last about an hour. As a fringe benefit, in addition to helping you with your father’s alcoholism you may also make many long lasting friendships. You will learn how to emotionally detach from your father’s alcoholism… with love. You will also learn how to be strong enough to resist the negative influence that he has over you. Alanon is intended to help you, not your father directly. If it is at all possible to help your father you must first learn to help yourself. Alcoholism is a societal disease that affects everyone who comes into contact with an active alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your father’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information and understand the disease for what it really is, your efforts will be a waste of time.

If I can be of further help please send me a follow-up question. Thank you Rebos