Expert: Rebos - 6/9/2008

Question
 Alcohol has played a huge part in the adversity in my life. I was molested as a child due to alcohol, I grew up in an alcoholic family, and I was at one time an alcoholic myself. I chose to not drink. My fiance' was on a boat with my brother in law and they were both drinking, which is illegal on a boat. My fiance' and I didn't know this. He drowned in a boating accident a few short days before our wedding. When the police tested my brother in law for alcohol, it was 7 hours later and it was a .4  My fiance's bac was .02 at the time of his death. My sister insists this wasn't about alcohol. I think it is because I will always wonder if alcohol wasn't involved if my fiance' would still be here today. I have since forgiven my brother in law and was able to put all of this behind me. My sister is a breast cancer survivor and has since had a reocurrence and again it was in her lung. She has been on anti depressants and suffers from depression. Because of this, I tried to give her peace of mind and decided for her sake and mine, I would forgive my brother in law. My problem is that she just doesn't get it. The boat he drowned on was in her driveway and she didn't tell me before I got there. Then she said she didn't understand why her husband had to be forgiven for saving a man's life...which didn't happen because he passed away and was already gone when they found him under the water. There was a court hearing and all and I accepted that my brother in law was truly sorry. The only thing he got was one year of not being able to use his boat. He and my sister thought that was harsh. I told her it wasn't compared to not having the love of your life alive anymore. I told her after the court hearing if she and her husband would please do me a big favor and not drink alcohol in my presence. I told her I didn't know how long I would feel this way, but would appreciate it if they would do this much for me. She agreed. Well, that was a year and a half ago. She has taken to drinking again and I suspect it never really stopped. I don't live close by so that's a relief, but when I go home, she hides it and insists she doesn't have a problem. She's on a higher dose of anti depressants and I doubt she tells her therapist of her drinking. She called me the other day and was slurring her words and was obviously drunk. I asked my other sister to call her back because I was short with her and hung up. This other sister said she sounded like she was drinking, but it could be medication. I sincerely doubt that. My problem is, I don't want to be mean to her, and I don't want to avoid her, but I can not handle her drinking. It bothers me so much because she's sick with cancer and although chemo may be working, I fear that she will be the first of my siblings to die. I learned that life is short, and I want to be there for her, but I struggle with the alcohol part. Her call yesterday disgusted me, and I saw her as a drunk and it bothers me to feel this way. How do I get over this and how can I be nicer to her and not let this get to me?

Answer
Good morning Maria and thank you for your question. I am very sorry for your loss.

If your sister is an alcoholic, and by your description she is one, she probably has been drinking all the time! BUT even though that’s a problem, the real problem that you are faced with is… What are you going to do about YOUR PROBLEM! Yes, you do have a problem of trying to control your sister’s life. I strongly suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings. If you do start to attend you will find others who are or have been in a similar situation as you are in now. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep your unhappiness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your sister’s alcoholism is to gain knowledge about her disease and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Alanon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

If you don’t already know, Alanon is a world–wide “anonymous program” attended by people who have an alcoholic in their lives and don’t know what to do about it. By attending Alanon meetings you will find that your situation is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you will learn about the disease of alcoholism and how you can manage “your” unmanageable life as a result of your sister’s alcoholism. You will quickly be relieved to know that there is hope for you, from the people who you will meet there. There is no cost to attend, and meetings usually last about an hour. As a fringe benefit, in addition to helping you with your sister’s alcoholism you may also make many long lasting friendships. You will learn how to emotionally detach from your sister’s alcoholism with love. You will also learn how to be strong enough to resist the negative influence that she has over you. Alanon is intended to help you, not your sister directly. If it is at all possible to help your sister you must first learn to help yourself. Alcoholism is a societal disease that affects everyone who comes into contact with an active alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your sister’s drinking, but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic sister in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information and understand the disease for what it really is, your efforts will be a waste of time.

If I can be of further help please send me a follow-up question. Thank you Rebos