Expert: Druideck - 6/25/2008

Question
The last 5 years I have been through the mill with my husbands drinking and despite him trying to stay sober the last 6 months he has up and left,What I despise is having to take the flak from everyone else while no one ever says a word to him,my 2 youngest are upset because he never contacts them,if hes stopped drinking why does he do that?my oldest daughter despises him and if I mention his name walks out,shes 28 by the way instead of getting support from others I seem to be getting the blame

Answer
Good day,

Alcoholics are often irresponsible and
the family learns to stop depending on them.

The spouse is the chief caretaker of
most of the things that need to be done.

When you assume a position of responsibility
with an alcoholic everyone looks to
you to solve any problems the alcoholic
causes. This is what they call over and under
functioning. As he became an underfunctioner
you became the overfunctioner. This is why
everyone is looking to you to solve
any problems related to your alcoholic
husband.

The way to get out of this is
to stop taking care of everybody and
tell them they are adults now so
you are going to start caring for yourself.
The children look up to you because
they trust you to care for them and their
needs. Alcoholics slowly have to learn
to be responsible and to do what's right.

This recovery depends on them and how
well they are doing in their sobriety.
He is possibly having a difficult struggle
and you may have to let go until he
shows some interest in family affairs again.

Also when frustrated it is common to blame
someone who has always been responsible for
things and is an easy target.

Don't accept the blame for his behaviour,
just tell them that how your husband behaves
is up him and is nothing to do with you.
You are not responsible for his problems
or behaviours, he is an adult, remind
others of this too.