Expert: Clyde - 6/15/2008

Question
My boyfriend got out of rehab about a week ago.I know it hasn't been that long,but hes really different.He has always been very good at making me feel loved,I was his best friend.Even while he was in there he wrote me very loving,emotional letters.But now that hes out he's very emotionaly absent,and his sex drive is gone (which he said he still had when he was in there). It feels like he doesn't even love me anymore,and he doesn't really want to talk at any length about it.He says I worry to much and should let it go.It's hard for me to do that because I remember how he used to be.I know that this is a huge adjustment for him,but it seems to be one for me as well.I'm worried for our realationship,I love him so much,and I don't know what to do.Please help if you can.

Answer
Katherine,
     Thank you for your question.  It is a remarkable change in a person's life to give up addictive behaviors and, yes, they do change considerably.

     If he has really gotten the message in rehab that his life HAD BETTER CHANGE PERMANENTLY, then he will be on a good road to recovery.  If he was only marginally affected, then things will not be so good.  The changes must be permanent but, as we say in AA, it is done one-day-at-a-time.

     Most of what you describe in your sharing is fears that you have.  These are yours and not necessarily his.  He may be questioning the relationship but with all the newness of sobriety it would only be a small part of his concern at this time.

     My suggestion is to let him know you are available and that you want to be supportive and helpful during these early days. Let him know you are ready to talk when he is ready.  Then, and this is key, go on about your daily life as best you can without any direct involvement with him.  Always be ready but keep to your own business.  As he sees that he must make an effort to seek you out then it becomes something HE DOES not something YOU DO.  He must take responsibility to rebuild a relationship on new terms.

     In this time you are only concerned with your daily life, be thinking of what you really want out of life and what kind of relationship you really want.  There will be changes in both of you and some compromising may be necessary. It is important that you also look at yourself and make some assessments.

    The second thing this will do is help you avoid obsessing over him and what he appears NOT TO BE DOING.  He is in a time of some serious soul-searching (I hope) and it will be a time for him to get better.

    My guess is this - he loves you and he cares for you but he is merely "in the cave" to use relationship lingo.  Men go into the cave to sort through problems.  We come out after we find some answers.  Women are different - you all like to work things out by talking it over and sharing with someone else you trust.  That is the reason you feel so left out since he is not seeking you out.

    The chief reason you hurt right now is this - he doesn't know he is in the cave and thus was not able to tell you "I'll be back!"

    Hope this helps to ease your mind.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde