Expert: Clyde - 6/26/2008

Question
QUESTION: My boyfriend got out of rehab about two and a half weeks ago.About a week ago he relapsed.Since he got out he was not himself in alot of ways,but now he's a completly different person,someone I don't know at all.He's worse than when he went in.He's falling back into every bad habit he ever had in his life.Drinking,lying,cheating.He's even been staying at his ex wifes house!And he's acting like a lunatic.He's on the list to go back into treatment,but the way he's been I'm afraid that something will happen to him.I don't know what to do with him in the meantime.Is this him acting this way?Now all the sudden he's confused about me and her again,something I thought we were over months ago.What should I do?I'm so heartbroken and worried for his safty.I hate him for the things he's doing,but should I?Should I just wait until he gets back into treatment to try to get any answers?I'm so confused.

ANSWER: Katherine,
   Thank you for your impassioned questions regarding your boyfriend's actions.

   Relapse means that he is not yet willing to face the issues in his life which he will need to address in order to live clean and sober.  You describe a man who is more out of control than ever and this often happens in relapse as people sometimes hit the alcohol and drugs doubly hard because they know they are being found out.  Step four is a very critical step as the person is asked to take a good hard look at themselves.  It can conjure up some pretty scary stuff that one has been suppressing and repressing by oblivion for many years in the bottle.

   I can only surmise and I can only reflect back on my own experience to say these things.  I did not relapse since getting sober in 1994 but it because I have always been vigilant and willing to face anything in my life head-on.  We are not the same people after we get some recovery under our belt.  We are confused ourselves and we are scared in the early days of sobriety.

    I can hear your fear in your statements and I know your distress as you watch him self-destruct.  My only suggestion is for you to practice what is called "being a non-anxious presence" in his life.  Try with all your being to be calm and collected in all the chaos he creates.  Let him know you care and you are concerned but beyond that you can really do nothing.  If he is scheduled for rehab you can perhaps make it easier for him to drink in a safe environment (but only if your safety is not compromised!) until such time as he enters treatment.  It is critical that you let him know that your allowing the drinking is not a license to continue and you expect he will adhere to the demand that he enter treatment or get help from Alcoholics Anonymous.

    He needs to know that there is no options open except that he get help from either treatment professionals or Alcoholics Anonymous.

    In the meantime I suggest you call your local office of Alcoholics Anonymous and find out where you might attend a meeting of Alanon - a group of people who are dealing with alcoholism and drugs in their own families.  You will draw strength from them and you will begin to get some answers to your questions.

   I hope this helps.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your help,but what do I do about the fact that he's so confused about me and his ex again?She has always been a trigger to his drinking.He can't be around her without drinking.Do I just leave him,or wait for him to go to treatment again,and have a clear head so he knows what he really wants before I make that decision?And the biggest thing is,what do I do with all the worry I have for him?He is in such a bad place,and drinking so much,I'm worried all the time.The last time before he went to treatment he was at least with me and I knew he was ok.Now thats not the case.What do you think?

Answer
Katherine,
   Thank you for your follow-up and I am sorry I have been delayed in answering your second set of questions.

   I know it is hard to sit back and watch someone self-destruct and not be in any position to help.. It sounds as if he is still getting something from this other relationship which he can not let go of right now.  That does not mean that he won't in the near future.

   As you watch from a distance, I would not get directly involved unless he calls you.  He needs to sort out some things before it would be good for you to risk the hurt.  You'll need to consider the possibility that he will not come back to you but remain with this other person.  His confusion is understandable, as I have previously stated.  It will be critical for him to make the decision to be with you and that might not happen.  The more you distance yourself the less it will hurt if that happens and you will have already begun to live a life in which he takes no part.

   BUT, all may be well for you in all this - he could decide to come on over to your side!!!! I think you would like that.  However, if he is not willing to change for good, you'll be back to square one and more confused than ever.

   If you can be of help without getting to deeply involved, do so, but I would counsel for caution to prevent your being sucked into an active alcoholic's games.

   I hold the situation in my prayers.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde