Expert: Clyde - 6/2/2008

Question
Hello,
I have just recently came to the final conclusion in a fighting battle that my marriage is over and that I have been on a roller coaster for 4 years.  Badly nauseous from the ride....I have decided after many many efforts to help my husband (alanon, acceptance,not enabling) that my life is better by having no more emotional abuse.  My problem now is with my son joseph. My husband wants to see his son and in fact has joint custody ( I have phys. cust) The plan was for my husband to visit joey at  his parents house two days out of the week. Now his parents do not want him around(my husband).. I know he will eventually get a place of his own and I am petrified that he will drink(smoke pot) around my little joesph.... I know the courts will decide but I don't know how I can ever let him be trusted with him....and I am scared. Should I let him watch him in my home? or get supervised visitation... my heart wants joe to see his father but I am scared honestly for his safety sometimes.....your imput would help..thanks

Answer
Amanda,
    Thank you for sharing this situation with me.  I feel for you in this time of distress with someone else's behavior.

    I think you are correct to have the feelings you do about the safety of your son.  Knowing what it is like on the other end (having been the abuser through my own drinking) I can also sense where your husband might be (and probably is).  He is probably not too concerned about your concerns and probably pretty much does what he wants around other people (seeing how his parents don't even want him around). I suspect that your fears of the drinking and pot smoking are valid.

    I do think you have every right to to watch out for the safety of your son.  You do not have the rights, however, to tell your husband how to run his own life.  There is the crux of your dilemma - how do you meet the moral obligation to have your son see his father while at the same time not compromise your own position on the visits being smoke- and drink-free?

    You do not say, but I would wonder if the courts agreed to the visits because your ex-husband's parents would be supervising them?  Or does this not affect the ruling of the courts?  If it does not affect he ruling of the courts then it seems to me you will have to meet the visitation rights head-on without any one else having any input.

    My suggestion is that you prayerfully consider beginning the visitations in your own home with someone else there.  That way you control the situation until trust is re-established (if ever) with the behaviors of your ex-husband around your son.  The goal here being to take a wait-and-see attitude as to how your ex-husband will respond to being asked to respect you and your son enough not to indulge in drinking and smoking around your son.

    I would suggest having someone else there just to maintain some supervision and a watchful eye during the visits.  Over time, and if trust can be developed, then perhaps leaving the two alone might be in order and eventually fully allowing the visits unsupervised wherever.

    I think throughout all this, that you do all you can to discuss the concerns you have with your ex-husband in as civil a manner as is possible letting him know you have every intention of doing the best for your son (allowing his dad lots of quality time) but that you won't be hoodwinked either.

    It may be a long shot but perhaps your ex-husband will begin to see how the concern needs to be about HIS SON not himself.  We can pray for that anyway.

    Hope this helps.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde