Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 6/19/2008

Question
My husband has been sober for 6 months and attending AA with a sponsor.  He has a 15 yo stepson, my son who has been smoking a lot of pot.  I have been taking him to PADAP meetings and I go to Family Group (al-anon).  The son continues to get high, but does not bring drugs into the house.  The son was running away, but has now learned to obey my wishes.  I rather him home than out at a strangers.  My husband is aggressively angry with the son, about laziness and drugs and not following rules.  My son is trying not to be confrontational.  Consequently the son stays away from the house as much as possible.  There is a lot of deep anger from my husband because he cannot control the son.  I understand the frustration, but how can the husband control the anger in a non damaging way?  It seems that the whole house is exploding once the father's buttons are pushed.  The son is not the only one that ticks him off, often it is directed at me.  He is a very angry recovering alcoholic and is not tolerable of others faults.  I am learning to deal with my son by continuing to demand that he goes to meetings and obeys curfew.  Drivers Ed will be forthcoming when he passes a drug test.  I very rarely give him spending money and when I do it is minimal.  I want to have a loving relationship with my husband and son, but both addicts pull me in different directions.  I have a teenager who is acting immature and a husband who throws tantrums in order to rule the house.  I guess I need words of wisdom.  My husband and I have two younger children together that he treats with respect and love.  I am so torn apart.  Thanks.

Answer
Greetings to you, Patsy.

First, and if you can find a quiet moment to do so, suggest to your husband that your son needs an example to follow, not someone to drive him:

“Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead.  We must take the lead.  A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all.  We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them.  Their defects may be glaring, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible.  So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.
“The spiritual life is not a theory.  We have to live it.  Unless one's family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not to urge them.  We should not talk incessantly to them about spiritual matters.  They will change in time.  Our behavior will convince them more than our words.  We must remember that ten or twenty years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 83)

You have asked:

>> ... how can the husband control the anger in a non damaging way?

By taking the Steps and learning to live by spiritual principles, and the essence of the specifics related to anger can be found on pages 66 and 67.

>> He is a very angry recovering alcoholic and is not tolerable of others faults.

If he is still acting like that at six months, he is still suffering, inflicting pain and harming others, not recovering.  Invite his sponsor to dinner some evening, and maybe he (the sponsor) will notice some things in need of immediate attention.

>> I want to have a loving relationship with my husband and son, but both addicts pull me in different directions.
>> I have a teenager who is acting [like a teenager] and [an immature] husband who throws tantrums in order to rule the house.

Never “take sides” or defend either against the other, but do expect less maturity from your son than from your husband ... and if you can find another quiet moment, suggest to your husband that he read about “the actor” on page 61.

>> I guess I need words of wisdom.

I hope the above helps a bit, and please know you are always welcomed to write.

Joseph Lee
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/ (new)