AboutRebos Expertise If you think that you or someone that you care about is having a problem with alcohol, ask me a question, I may be able to help you. I have over 38 years of experience dealing with alcohol recovery and I am willing to share that experience with you. Alcoholism is a disease, and there is no shame in being an alcoholic. The shame is in doing nothing about it!
Experience Over 38years of experience in the field of alcoholism and alcoholic recovery.
Expert: Rebos Date: 6/29/2008 Subject: I do I save my marriage?
Question My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and have been together on and off for 6 years. I was 19 years old when we got together and never thought that he may have a problem, especially since I grow up in a home where my father drank every night. I could never bring myself to marry him in the passed because I always felt that I needed to change him, not just for myself but for the children as well. We have a 5 year old daughter together and I have two step children 14 and 6. He had other issues in the passed other then his drinking problem, wasted too much time on the computer, and didn’t spend enough time with the children. When we got back together again 2 and half years ago he had changed, for the better and I wanted nothing more then to have my family back together.
This last year has been going down hill. His drinking got worse and I thought that I could stop it. I have been putting my foot down and trying to control the situation or should a say addiction? He has been trying to not drink during the week and was doing fine, but when the weekends come, he just loses it. I know now that I was going about it all wrong, being the enabler.
In the passed there was some physical abuse and mental abuse. Now there is only mental abuse and it hurts. I don’t know how to handle the situations except sending him to the couch. He wakes up like nothing ever happen and I hate that. The children see what he has become and he thinks that I’m putting words in there heads. Two of these children are not mine, but I have taken the roll of there mother for years. If I leave … they will be alone with him. He will be bitter and angry, he will only drink more. I just can’t abandon them.
I have been a stay at home mother for years. No real work experience. No way to win custody of my step children … if I can’t prove that he is an alcoholic, he wins. I want to stay in this marriage but if I go to these Alanon meetings and nothing changes, what do I do?
Answer
Good morning Amanda and thank you for your question. If you are open-minded Alanon will work! I can’t to tell you to leave him or not. However, if you intend to stay with this man I strongly suggest that you start going to Alanon! I assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone (negatively) that come into contact with an alcoholic. If the children are old enough they can go to Alateen. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going and destroy your family unit. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your husband’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to not go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control. That’s not to say that your husband will stop drinking because you will be going to Alanon, BUT YOU will get better if you attend Alanon and the children go to Alateen! Alcoholism is a disease the AMA says that it is. Alcoholism is a terminal disease and if your husband does nothing about getting help you and your children will be facing a lifetime of unhappiness and misery, plus there is a good chance that your children will be affected in a negative way if their major roll model in life is a drunk! Drunks will always blame people, places and things for their drinking, and your husband is no different than all alcoholics.
Your husband’s drinking problem is just a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that he is hiding from. Unless he finds out what that problem is he will not get sober for the long haul, one day at a time. Has your husband ever tried Alcoholics Anonymous? Has he ever gone to a Detoxification Clinic? You may not think so… but you have become an enabler. Please follow up with more details. Thank you Rebos
