Expert: Rebos - 6/1/2008

Question
3-1/2 years ago I met a wonderful, divorced man with a beautiful 7 year old daughter.  We became very close very quickly.  At first, he drank what I would consider to be a normal amount - no more than a couple of glasses of wine or beer in an evening.  But I noticed on one particular date that he seemed quite drunk for someone who had only had 2 pints at a pub with dinner.  I naively thought he just didn't drink much and the beer went straight to his head.  I realized after a few months, however, that he drank quite heavily, and mostly hard liquor, with no mix.  By that time, I was very much in love with him, and saw no negative consequences of his drinking habits.  As the years passed, his true drinking habits became evident, and as a person who has never been around an alcoholic, I didn't really know what to do.  So I did nothing.  I allowed the drinking to continue, and likely unknowlingly enabled him time and time again.  There would be break ups and reconciliations - he always promised to stop or cut down.  He would even make announcements on his own accord that he was going to "give up" drinking.  But it never happened. He drinks heavily in the evenings, wakes up in the middle of the night and has a few slugs to get back to sleep, and I've also seen him taking drinks before noon on a weekend.  It's very difficult to tell when he's drinking.  Last fall, during one of our break ups, he got blindingly drunk while his daughter was staying with him for the weekend, and when she couldn't wake him from his passed out state, she called her mother.  His overnight privleges with her were taken away.  He was devastated, and promised to stop.  He didn't. He simply accepted the circumstances, but didn't tell anyone about it. Recently, we split up, and he has pinned his drinking habits on me - saying that he never drank as heavily in his life as when he was with me, simply because I made him so unhappy.  I don't for one second accept that I caused his drinking, but I am very hurt and angry that he'd blame me. I've caught him in more lies that I'd like to admit, both small and large. I have some very supportive friends and family who have helped me tremendously, but I just want to ask an expert whether it's possible that he'll stop drinking on his own.  We are still in contact on occasion, and he's telling me he's feeling great, not drinking anymore (I don't believe it) and wants to move on with his life.  I know for a fact that following the break up of marriage 6 years ago, he's been through countless relationships which always ended because of something the women did ("she was psycho", "she wasn't very intelligent", "we didn't relate well".  The truth is, he doesn't relate well to anyone, not even his own child. I'm going nuts.  I'm not eating or sleeping and I want to help him, but I have a sneaking suspicion that there's nothing I can do.  I know when the next crisis hits (and it will), he'll call me, since I'm the only support and non-drinking person in his life (his family are all drinkers).  How do I find the strength to walk away and turn him away?

Answer
Good morning Joanna and thank you for your question.

It is quite normal for alcoholics to blame people, places and things for their drinking problem. That’s part of the denial associated with “alcoholism”, which is a word that I didn’t see in your question to me. Your ex-boyfriend is an alcoholic! So we can start from there...

The first thing that you can do that could help to save his life… is to tell him (the next time that he calls you) that he has a drinking problem, and that you no longer want to hear from him until he is sober for one year in a program like Alcoholics Anonymous. If you do not have “Caller ID” and can afford it get it. I would suggest that you start to screen your telephone calls and not answer any calls from him. Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud your ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain will be directly related with your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. Thank your lucky stars, and get on with your life.

You must understand that alcoholism is but a symptom of a much deeper underlying problem that your ex has, and until he finds out what that problem is he is destined to live and die a drunk’s death. Don’t allow him to take you with him! AA can help him to find out what that problem is. He cannot stop drinking on his own for the long haul and don’t let him con you into believing that he can. If you can’t find the courage to tell him the truth, I would suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings to find an answer to your problem. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

I hope that I have cleared your mind up a bit, and if I can be of further help please send me a follow-up message. Thank you Rebos