Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 7/28/2008

Question
I have been clean & sober for the better part of 5 years. Within these five years I have always dated men from the program. About 8 months ago I met a man outside the rooms and we fell in love. We are perfect for each other except that he is a casual drinker and I'm having a hard time with that for a number of reasons. We have addressed many issues and are willing to do anything to make it work which has also included him not drinking when we go out together, with a few random exceptions. He is very supportive, but there is one lingering problem I cannot seem to shake. When I drank I would loose all controll. Alcohol was like harmones in a bottle for me. I always cheated on my boyfriends when I drank and always hated myself in the morning for it. I know he does not get wasted like I did but even some alcohol effects everybodies judgement. It lowers inhibitions, loosens people up and makes them care less about consequences. You here stories about people cheating while drinking all the time. And even if he doesnt usually get wasted there will probably come at least one time that he will eventually. He is a great guy and I trust him but I dont know how to trust him after a couple drinks. I cant help but be worried that one day he will have a few too many, and make a bad decision he would not make otherwise. To top it all off, making this problem even harder, he is also the lead singer of a band so he does spend at least that once a month in a bar and I know that women are attracted to him when he is on stage. I'm affraid that maybe after us having a fight one day or maybe after being together for awhile when it's not as new and exciting anymore cheating will become more and more likely to happen as alcohol gets added to the mix, especially when women are hitting on him at his shows. I'm not sure how to approach this, but I hate worrying about it and I'm affraid I'm going to end up pushing him away by doing so. I can not ask him not to drink at his own shows and I cant be there everytime he drinks. Can you offer me any advice?

Answer
Hello Michelle,
Your concerns seem normal ones for a recovering person. I have several comments, and will assume that your boyfriend is a normal, social drinker and not an alcoholic. Though a natural concern for you as a recovering alcoholic to have, it is not rational for you to apply your out-of-control drinking and behaviors against your value system, with behaviors that may result from your boyfriend's social drinking. A social drinker by definition does not lose control when he drinks and does not act contrary to his value system. If your experience with your boyfriend has shown you that he loves you, is committed to you, and has values in regard to being faithful to the relationship that you are comfortable with, then it would seem reasonable to assume that a socal drink will not result in any of the behaviors that you are worried about. Indeed, perhaps the best approach here would be to concentrate on reinforcing the commitment you each have to the relationship and learning to trust that commitment. To use a Twelve Step tool that you are probably familiar with, try to stop projecting, that is, try to stop allowing yourself to imagine situations that are not happening now, and probably never will happen based on the facts of your situation. I applaud that you and your boyfriend seem to be able to explore issues that concern you and urge you to continue to openly communicate in that fashion.
Good luck.
Jan Williams
www.alcoholdrugsos.com