Expert: Clyde - 7/26/2008

Question
I met my partner when I was 15 and we lived together from the age of 21. in our 30's we both split for a while but still kept our house both relationship did not work out and to be honest I always wanted to be with him and he with me we ended up back together about 7 years ago. He and I are happy to go out with friends separately and its fine only I find he is doing this more often and will spend long hours Fri sat and Sunday in the pub sometimes long into the evening I've been waiting sometimes until 3am and its slowly got me down that we have had several rows in which he storms out I say I’ll leaving he comes back sorry does not want me to leave and persuades me he will change he does for a week then he is back doing as he pleases on the weekend. He works hard and is here all week as he tells me  but I think he needs to be here some weekends too he agrees but comes home still drunk 3 times a week I know he cannot change I care about how he is abusing himself and his sister died of an alcohol disease she drank a lot heavier everyday however he does alot on the weekends I’ve been letting myself go as I feel a lot of pain over our fights and this no win situation I' gutted I want to spend my life with the guy I've loved for a long time its hard to cope with the pain I feel I've packed in my studies as a student nurse because of the stress I feel under. Last night he came home about 8 fresh as he is trying to curb his drinking and he was being nice I get angry I guess as a sober and drunk person can be a funny match I know I should leave him alone, he went to bed and left his mobile on the settee I heard it ring and looked but was a not recognized number then a message came through that said I guess its over have I been dumped ive not slept with anyone else only you I felt sick to my stomached she whoever she is kept ring and then texting saying ok i hope we stay friends. I asked him who she was I said I'm hurt who is she? he would not reply only no one I love you. He has denied anything said its a girl who fancies him and ive got it all wrong. I cannot think this is the same guy we have had so much together he loves me I know he does he does anything for me but oh god why has he done this too me I feel my who world has falled apart can you help me please i've not spoken to anyone and need some support thanks I would like to know how to remain sane with this pain of his drinking I worry he is going to die and I worry we have no future as he spends a lot of what we need on drinking can be 200 in one weekend. I would like to know the steps of tough love I can use or any strategies that will help him at the moment I may be pushing him to drink more and he has slept rough gone to work on a building site with few hours sleep after the fight to be honest we are both very tired I have to sort out what I do I know this

Answer
emmakatlin,
   Thank you for sharing your story with me. I do appreciate your willingness to give me so much information.

   I feel your pain and I know how much the assumed infidelity hurts.  I do not diminish the evidence you have but I do give him the benefit of doubt until he admits the deed done.  It is so hard to see beyond the place you currently sit in - the hurt, the pain, the betrayal, and the confusion.

   I want to focus on the confusion aspect.  It is an important element to look at more closely as an alcoholic lives in such confusion and, unfortunately, does not even know it.  Here in lies the rub.  They are oblivious to what they are doing.  I say this from experience.

   It does not give him an excuse, or give him license to do the things he has done to hurt your relationship with him but it does explain the crux of the problem.  When you really look at it, why would someone say they love someone, do for them such nice things, and then do such dastardly things such as you are seeing in his actions and behaviors.

    The sad truth is that he will have to admit whether he is an alcoholic or not; decide to get some help; learn about his behaviors and untwist his thinking so that he becomes sane enough to sort out his confused mind.  If he discovers that he likes what he has been doing to hurt you, then so be it, but you will then be able to make some decisions for yourself - do you stay or leave?

    I suggest that he seek out Alcoholics Anonymous, if he will, and begin working the 12-step program to change his poor behaviors.  

   I would suggest that you find an Alanon group, for the family and friends of alcoholics, to better understand how they cope with and accept the alcoholic behaviors in their loved ones.  In there you will learn essentially three things - you did not cause the problem, you can not control the situation, and you can not cure alcoholism.

   I hope this helps and write again if I can be of any further help.

Grace and peace,
Clyde