Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 7/30/2008

Question
Rebos has responded to two of my emails, but I see he is no longer among the experts list.  Anyway, I just wanted to let him know that I have begun seeing a counselor and I am beginning to feel better and have been able to address issues with my husband without getting overly emotional.  I am actually beyond the emotional stage and in the ready to leave stage and I think it has come across.  He has agreed to see a counselor to help himself.  Whether he has made the call or not is yet to be known.  My counselor has sent me in a different direction as to why my husband may have begun to "indulge" and has told me not to rule out infidelity.  I've been so focused on his behavior and how our relationship has changed and dealing with accusations, that I really never considered his having an affair.  Could this be the reason for the "indulging" and change in behavior, drastic change.  When I think back at different things that were said and done that made no sense to me at the time because I was too emotionally, but could have meant something in a different direction...my counselor stated that a marriage that was once harmonious changed suddenly to excessive drinking, non-communication, lack of affection, etc...all signs of having a relationship with another woman.  Your thoughts please...

Answer
Hello Debbie,
While I do not have the benefit of the background information from your earlier questions, I will venture a few comments. It sounds as if your counselor may be suggesting that your husband's drinking could have been triggered by an adulterous relationship. In my view as an addictions counselor, if your husband is an alcoholic (and I have insufficient information to say that), it is far more likely that his infidelity is the result of the impact of his alcoholism rather than that his infidelity is causing the excessive drinking. One of the significant indicators of alcoholism is behavior against one's value system that could include infidelity. Saying that his behavior may be the result of alcoholism, is not intended to excuse the behavior but to explain it. It certainly is within the realm of possibility, assuming alcoholism is the foundational problem, that were your husband to complete treatment for his alcoholism, and achieve a sustained abstinence and reformed behaviors (thereby establishing a basis for you to begin to trust), his commitment to you and your relationship may be manifest, and, the marital relationship may be salvagable. I hope this way of thinking about your situation is helpful. Good luck.
Jan Williams
www.alcoholdrugsos.com