Expert: Rebos - 7/20/2008

Question
Please help. I am madly in love with a man who won't stop drinking. We have been together 5 years, he has actually tamed his consumption since we met, but it is not enough. He maintains a job and can pay the bills and lead a pretty normal life. Does that mean he doesn't have a problem? He thinks he does, as do I. I have tried to support him in stopping but he won't do anything about it. I am seriously thinking about leaving him but it makes my heart cry. I love the man to bits, he is my perfect love, he is NEVER violent or mean, we share so many wonderful moments but I am tired of the clouds always hanging over, my fear that maybe he will get drunk tonight. What do I do? Will it ever change?

Answer


Good morning Joanne and thank you for your question. If your boyfriend is an alcoholic, all of the attributes that you see in him now will eventually turn negative.

If you have read any of my previous answers the advice that I have given to others in your position is to strongly recommend Alanon meetings, that is, if you intend to remain in your relationship with an active alcoholic. As a matter of fact even if an alcoholic is in a recovery program like Alcoholics Anonymous I still recommend that the spouse or girlfriend attend Alanon meetings! I assume that you know what Alanon is. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone (negatively) that comes into contact with an alcoholic. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your boyfriend’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

Your boyfriend should be going to Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholism is just a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that you boyfriend must resolve within himself or he will not stop drinking and stay stopped. AA is the place where he will find the answer to his drinking problem. Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” made with a content of only 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor fully "understands" that he or she is dealing with an addicted person. It is said that once a person has to start thinking about controlling their drinking… they have already lost control of their drinking!

I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower alone. The disease is too powerful. What ever you do NEVER make any threat to him that you are not willing to follow through with, because then you will become an enabler! An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of their actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. An enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. I wish you the very best and hope that you resolve your present situation. Unfortunately there is no good fairy that will tap your boyfriend on the shoulder and make him “all better”. It will take a lot of hard work. Until he gets tired of being sick and tired there is not too much you can do except to learn all that you can by going to Alanon or breakup with him. Hate the disease not the patient. But don’t be afraid to hurt his feelings by letting him know the TRUTH as to how you feel about his drinking. When you do talk to him “say what you mean…mean what you say…but don’t be mean when you say it”, but (again) remember don’t ever make any threats to him that you are not willing to follow through with.

If I can be of further help please send me a follow-up question. Thank you, Rebos.