Expert: Druideck - 7/16/2008

Question
My boyfriend of five years won't admit he's an alcoholic or go to an AA meeting. I have finally broken up with him two days ago over this reason. We are both hurting very much and e-mailing each other. I need strength to hold to my convictions not to take him back until he get's help. I tryed alanon meetings some time back. It didn't help me much. I stayed with him. Is there any websight for me and any website for him that you would recommend as really good as a place to find support. Is there anything I can say to him to help him or get him to seek help. There must be some way to reach him. He drinks almost every day, 2-12 beers per day.HELP !! I don't want to cave in again and go back to him. I love him very much, but it will be the ruin of both of us.

Answer
Paula,

I know how much relationships can
hurt and it is hard to accept
that sometimes they fail for
reasons that are bigger than us.

Alcoholism is an illness or a downward
process with definable symptoms.
That is why it is harder to stay in
denial when in recovery groups like AA.
You see and talk to people that
know how you feel and think.

Waking an alcoholic up is not always
successful. Sometimes they go to
great ends before they will seek
recovery. Sometimes a relationship
breaking up might be the thing that
breaks their denial.

Part of the problem many women develop
while in a relationship with an alcoholic
is an obsession with the alcoholic.
This is similar to the addictive nature
the alcoholic has with alcohol.
It becomes hard to focus on yourself
and what you need to do to heal
and move on with taking care of your
own life.

If he is ever to recover it will
be a big step that he needs to take
alone. Others can offer some support
but most of the effort has to be his.
At this point he does not sound ready
to take alcoholism seriously.
Perhaps he will after losing you and
hurting some more.

No one likes to see someone they
care about go downhill but alcohol
is in my experience more
powerful than the support and love
offered by spouses, girlfriends
or family.

If you get your mind off him and
onto you, that will be your first
step toward your own recovery from
being involved in this illness.

You can not beat his alcoholism
yourself, this is his responsibility
and when he decides to get help for himself
and no one else that will be his first step
into recovery.

The AA Big Book of Recovery is
online here:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
This is the book and living program that helped me stay
sober over 22 years. It can be studied like
a textbook and read over and over to answer
many questions about alcoholism and sobriety.

Take care