Expert: Druideck - 7/3/2008

Question
I have been married for 21 years. My husband, an alcoholic has been in
treatment centers 5 times. He is mean and sometimes manipulative and
abusive when he drinks. We separated 6 months ago and it has been lonely
and hard. I think we are soul mates. BUT, he received 2 drunk driving arrests
in the last month and was ordered to treatment. Now, he attends classes 4
times a week and wants to come home with the promise that if he drinks he
will leave and that we will attend weekly counseling. Is this the same stuff
different day? should I stick with the original plan - we move on, apart, and
he works on himself, me on myself and see in much more time (as in years).
Ideas, suggestions? Thank you so much for your time.

Answer
Michelle,

be very cautious here as you and I
both know how manipulating alcoholics
can be drunk or sober.

If you decide to go for his plea
be aware that he may drink again
as it seems as though he is still
struggling with the acceptance that
he must never drink again or the
same old will start over.

Also he may be really trying but
relationships can be added stress
as it is not always easy to live
with another person.

If you want to be with him bad
enough to accept his ups and
downs with alcohol addiction,
then you have to be prepared
for some good and some bad.

This will not be over soon for
him, it may take years of
meetings or rehab to gain
some stability. It is possible
to recover but it can also
change a person dramatically.
You may not find he is the man
you know once the drinking facade
is lifted. This can cause some
problems if wives are not able
to adjust back to having a more
"normal" guy. The attraction can
disappear. These are all facts
of recovery in my long experience.

Some recover and do okay and
for others it is a constant
struggle. How things turn out
are largely dependent on his
willingness to change his
behaviour and lifestyle.
He will have to do much examination
of his life and learn to live
without resorting to drink.

You may have to also start examining your
own reactions and emotions in regard to
him if you want to have a relationship
with him as he recovers.
If he slips back it may take much
time for him to get sober again.
There might be periods of sobriety
or more bad drunks. The
best outcome would be if he is deadly
serious this time and stays in
AA and uses any other support he can find,
such as yourself.

This is a tough decision for you,
loneliness is hard but so is life with
a struggling alcoholic.
Take it one day at a time if you choose
to be with him. Don't expect his promises
to hold anymore than they used to,
he means well but alcohol is stronger
than any man.