Expert: Rebos - 7/21/2008

Question
Hi,
we have a person in our family who is a severe alcoholic.  She lives with my husbands brother.  They never married.  But thinks she is the alpha female in our family.  Most of the people in my husbands family are alcoholics, we are not, so we have backed away from ALL of them.  We go to great lenths to avoid these people.  Last week some thing my husband ordered for our business was mistakenly delivered to thier house.  So my husbands brother called and said to come and get it.  My husband sent out one of our employees to pick it up.  There was a message left on our phone from the awful girlfriend this morning.  That states that there is no need to leave a name or address, but she just wanted to let us know, that she had cleaned up the mess we made on thier property, but not to worry about it, she took care of it.  There was no mess, we didn't do anything except pick up the order.  This is one of many phone calls we have gotten from her.  She told my daughter at her high school graduation, that I was horrible, not to listen to me, that if my daughter needed anything, just give her a call and she would take care of everything.  At my daughters wedding, my mother in law who is also an alcoholic didn't like the fact that she was not the center of attention at the wedding and she had not been ask to help with any of the preparations, she handed my son a check for $ 2,000.00 to spend any way he like.  Well, he started whooping and hollering with delight,  It ruined the whole reception.  Every event we have ever had they ruin it.  We don't attent family gatherings anymore, because of these situations.  We want to be left alone by these people and everytime we turn around, just like the situation above about the products being delivered to the wrong house by mistake, we always get sucked into her vortex.   My husband is so mad, at the message that was left.  He plans to call his brother up and tell him off.  What else do we do.  We have thought about moving to another state and not leaving a forwarding adress.  Seriously.

Answer


Good morning Norma and thank you for your question. Even though your brother-in-law is not married to his girlfriend, I am calling his family a “family” not knowing if they have children together.

Since you haven’t told me if your brother in law has a drinking problem, I will assume that he does not, in answer to your question. I would suggest that your husband call his, brother and ask him if they can meet to have a cup of coffee together, alone, with the express motive to discuss their relationship with regard to his “family’s” alcoholism. Hopefully he will agree to meeting with your husband. Your husband will have to find the courage to tell his brother the TRUTH about how his “family’s” alcoholism is affecting your family’s well being. Your husband should mention that there is a group of people called Alanon that can help him on how to live with the alcoholics in his “family”. If you live close to your brother-in-law he may want to tell him that he will go to their meetings. At Alanon he will find out what he can do to help them by first learning to help him self. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Alanon is where he will get better. What he needs; is to listen to others who are or have been in a similar situation that he is in now and have found an answer to their problem. If his brother is reluctant to take your husband’s suggestion he should then tell his brother that he no longer can have any contact with him for the well being of his family. The old saying of “Fool me once and it’s your fault… fool me twice and it’s my fault” fits the bill in your case. You are allowing yourself to be hurt by your brother in law’s “family”. If he or his girlfriend insist on maintaining contact by telephone, you may choose to have a restraining order issued against them contacting you. You must protect your children from the menace of alcoholism.

This is a job for your husband and not you! It is his brother and that is where the problem should be handled. Thank you Rebos