Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 7/12/2008

Question
Hi
I have been dating this man for over a year and have loved him with all my heart. Long before he met me, he was addicted to heroin and received two duis in two weeks because of it. Consequently, he was in jail for the second one and apparently spent more time there than usual because of "paperwork" and the fact that his parents had given up on him. He in turn spent a total of two years at Cook County jail. This was six years ago. Since then he has not done heroin. However, since i met him, he has always been a drinker. Of course, it was fun when we first met and I didn't think anything of it. In the last year or so, he has lied to me several times about drinking (vodka is his cryptonite) and about times he did cocaine while I wasn't with him. Obviously I found out later and confronted him and he of course promised it would stop. Also, before he got his driving permit back (not full license), I drove him to all his jobs and picked him up when I could.
I know he came from a rough childhood. His mother died when he was 6 and his alcoholic father (20 years sober now) routinely beat him up between the ages of 7 and 14 when DCFS finally removed him from his home. I know this is not an excuse, but I thought a little background might help.
Over the last 3 months things have quickly deteriorated concerning his drinking and his job. He finished remodeling a townhouse (he is a general contractor working only for himself) and upon finishing that job has refused to find anymore work or even look. I have tried to find him jobs to bid on. I know I am being enabling, but please read on..
For the most recent three weeks, things have gone from bad to worse. he is depressed and I don't even know how much he is drinking. He is saying mean things to me and blaming me for his drinking because "i'm not there for him". He is saying he doesn't want to live any more and he hasn't eaten in 3 days without vomiting. He says I don't love him (which I do) and that I should be able to fix him. I finally told him tonight that he cannot put all that on me, that it's not fair. I'm not a counselor or even anyone that has dealt with this before. So tonight I thought would be a good time to talk things over since I had been backing off a bit cuz I'm scared. after we talked, he asked me to stay over so I went to my house to get my dog (on the next street). When I got back he was noticeably drunk, stumbling and saying he was going through vicodin withdrawal (apparently another vice of his) and that's why he drank. I discoverred an empty vodka bottle in the sink and when I confronted him about it, he completely freaked out and started punching the walls, the door, etc. and so I left before I was next. I feel so sad  now becuase I left. I need someone to tell me I did the right thing. I already had the first love of my life kill himself and I can't go through that again..It almost killed me too. I'm so worried he's going to end up like that that it makes me want to go back. I don't know what to do. I am so sad.

Answer
Greetings to you, Sue.

You have written:

>> I discovered an empty vodka bottle ... he completely freaked out ... I left ... I need someone to tell me I did the right thing.

You most certainly did, and I begin my response there to let you know (or to remind you) you are in no way obligated to be used, abused or mistreated by anyone.  In Scripture, we can read this ...

"And Yahuah Elohim said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone, I am going to make a helper for him, as his counterpart.'" (Genesis 2:18)

... and no such statement is ever made concerning a woman.  That does not mean no woman ever needs a man, of course, but more men surely do need to understand the importance of treasuring the wives we each so desperately need ...

... and that thought ties to this you have written:

>> He says ... I should be able to fix him.

Step back just a bit from the specifics of that statement and again see what actually drives it:

“It is not good for the man to be alone.”

As skewed or as lacking as his present understanding and perception of any of this might be, he is at least subconsciously aware of his need for a “helpmeet” or counterpart in order to be fulfilled and successful in life.  Understand?  You have been doing for him exactly as you should, yet he has nevertheless failed thus far along because of his own defects and shortcomings, not yours.  There is much more to be said about all of that, but I hope to at least show you (or remind you) that his failures in life are not in the slightest way your fault.

You have written:

>> I ... have loved him with all my heart.

The instinct for you to do that is just as natural and “built-in” as is his instinct to look toward and depend upon his life-mate as his counterpart.

>> since i met him, he has always been a drinker ...
>> it was fun when we first met and I didn't think anything of it.

That is where so many of us have gone off-track in the past.  The pursuit of happiness and the pursuit of mere “fun” (and I did not say “the mere pursuit of fun”) are not compatible.  To achieve happiness and fulfillment in life, we must know precisely where we are headed and we must not trade jewels for trinkets.

In the last year or so, he has lied to me several times about drinking ... and about times he did cocaine ...

Wittingly or otherwise, he knows his own pursuit of “fun” is unacceptable.

>> he of course promised it would stop.

Until he experiences spiritual regeneration (transformation), he will continue to find life unsatisfactory and will turn to alcohol or drugs for relief from the painful frustration of his natural (inherent) instincts.

>> I drove him to all his jobs and picked him up when I could.

Nothing wrong with that.

>> I know he came from a rough childhood ...
>> I thought a little background might help.

Sure ... yet most of us grew up without ever being shown the path that truly goes somewhere.

>> I have tried to find him jobs to bid on. I know I am being enabling ...

No, enabling is when people help other people avoid their own consequences.

>> He is saying mean things to me and blaming me for his drinking because "i'm not there for him".

Again: Those kinds of confused words come out of him because of his inherent need for you, yet the fact remains that he has yet to be shown the right way to live.

>> He is saying he doesn't want to live any more ...

If you might dare to do so, let him know a much better life is available by doing the things shared in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book (and not to be confused with today’s AA).

>> tonight I thought would be a good time to talk things over since I had been backing off a bit cuz I'm scared. after we talked, he asked me to stay over ...

Even if for reasons that are somewhat different, men and women truly do need each other ... and that is why the two of you had that talk and he asked you to stay and you were willing to do so.  The challenge here, then, is for the two of you to try to reason together and like-mindedly arrive at a place like this:

“If there be divorce or separation, there should be no undue haste for the couple to get together.  The man should be sure of his recovery.  The [woman] should fully understand his new way of [or ‘new approach to’] life.  If their old relationship is to be resumed it must be on a better basis, since the former did not work.” (page 99)

>> I already had the first love of my life kill himself ...
>> I'm so worried he's going to end up like that that it makes me want to go back. I don't know what to do. I am so sad.

Hold that “makes me want to go back” as a simple willingness to do so after he has taken the Twelve Steps ... and I will gladly and freely do my best to help the two of you get on that path.  But even if he is not willing, it would still be good for you and your own future to learn from the spiritual experience shared in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Please know you are always welcomed to write ...

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/