Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 7/22/2008

Question
Dear Joseph,

I, in February, took it upon myself to help a man I had become friendly with because he needed a place to stay.  I was kind of leery, but after asking on numerous occasions whether he was a heavy drinker, his response was "weekends only".  I didn't want a drinker in my home because I myself have had a problem with alcohol, plus an abusive ex who was a substance abuser.  After he moved he we became close and he started calling me his "girlfriend".  But, his drinking became very excessive, especially on the weekends where he would go pretty much non-stop from Friday evening to Sunday.  He was urinating himself, defecated on my bathroom floor, etc.  And no matter how many times I asked him to stop, he wouldn't.  He just had no respect for my wishes.  When he wasn't drinking, he was the kindest, tenderest person I had ever been with.  I had to ask him to leave this weekend; he just wouldn't stop, he didn't care how much the drinking upset me.  I had to call the authorities because he kept banging on the door, and peering in the windows and wouldn't leave.  It has hurt me so bad to do this; I'm probably hurting more than he.  I haven't heard from him, and did try to text him once to see when he would come get his things with no response.  I am feeling guilty about this when I know I'm not wrong for not wanting this behavior in my house or that my feelings didn't count.  I know I can't change him, and I guess it hurts that he chose the alcohol over me as my ex did with his drugs.  How do I get over this guilt?  Will he always blame me for being the bad person, or should I even worry about that?  It's hurting me inside because I really did care for this guy and we could have had a nice future together.

Answer
Greetings to you, Donna.

You have written:

>> I, in February, took it upon myself to help a man I had become friendly with because he needed a place to stay.

Your intentions there we undoubtedly good, and you believed each of you would benefit from the arrangement.

>> I was kind of leery ... whether he was a heavy drinker, his response was "weekends only".

Said respectfully: You should have sought counsel from someone before proceeding.  In my own past, I said something similar to my new bride just before we got married, and she had no way of knowing I was somewhat knowingly deceiving even both of us at the time.

>> After he moved he we became close and he started calling me his "girlfriend".

That might have been some intentional manipulation, or it might have simply been a bit of wishful or hopeful thinking on his own part.

>> ... he would go pretty much non-stop ... And no matter how many times I asked him to stop, he wouldn't.

In reality, he *could not* stop.  In his or her natural state, the alcoholic is obsessed with getting the effect alcohol offers, then the alcohol takes over and drives an actual physical craving causing drinking beyond all sane reason.

>> He just had no respect for my wishes.

Maybe, or maybe not.  Again: He has no control over even whether he drinks at all.

>> ... he just wouldn't stop, he didn't care how much the drinking upset me.

He might know he has a right to do as he pleases, or he might believe the better days justify his occasional escapes in oblivion ... or even both.

>> I had to call the authorities ...
>> It has hurt me so bad to do this; I'm probably hurting more than he.

It is good that you do not want to see other people suffer, but right is right and we do not commit wrongs when we “call the law” against wrong actions of others.

>> I haven't heard from him, and did try to text him once to see when he would come get his things with no response.

Just put all his stuff together in boxes or bags for about a month in a corner somewhere, then dispose of it if he does not ever show any real interest in it.

>> I am feeling guilty about this ...

Guilt would be a matter of law, not emotion, and you have not committed any crime.  To wit:

>> I know I'm not wrong for not wanting this behavior in my house or that my feelings didn't count.

Correct, and your overall actions have been quite considerate, fair and justified.

>> I guess it hurts that he chose the alcohol over me as my ex did with his drugs.

Yes, it certainly does, and that proves you have very normal instincts and desires.

>> How do I get over this guilt?

Pain eventually subsides, but your instincts and desires will always be there.  So, the challenge now is to “take the Steps” in order to learn about what makes all of us “tick” and to bring your versions of our common-to-all, self-defeating actions to an end.

>> Will he always blame me for being the bad person ...

Not if he eventually does the same.

>> ... or should I even worry about that?

Through taking the Steps, you will come to understand even his frustrations and pains, and you will learn to pray the very best for him while remaining compassionate from a safe distance.

>> I really did care for this guy and we could have had a nice future together.

I am quite sure both parts of that statement are completely true ... and the happiness we all seek in life can still be found through the original A.A. experience.

Please know you are always welcomed to write, and that I will do all I can to help.  I will be away from this site for the next three weeks, but I can still be reached by way of e-mail through the end of this calendar month.


Peace to you, Donna.

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/