Expert: Druideck - 7/27/2008

Question
We have a cousin who has been in AA and Celegrate Recovery for a year and doing well. The problem is his live-in girlfriend who also is in AA and Celebrate Recovery but is still drinking. On the 4th of July at a family gathering she searched the house until she found alcohol hidden in laundry room and drank. She then cussed out a 6 yr old neighbor girl threatening to beat her up. She has also been known to pull a gun in an alcohol induced fight between her and our cousin. We the family don't know what to do. We are afraid of her. We can't have a fanily function without inviting the cousin but we don't like his live-in girlfriend always coming with him since we don't know how she will behave. We are also worried that her behavior will badly effect his recovery. Now we find out they plan on getting married next month. What should we the family do?

Answer
Charlotte,

As you probably know from this
alcoholic girl's behaviour she
is a very ill person in many
ways. Entering a recovery program
does not mean she is following
the program which addresses behaviour
like hers.

As your cousin is an adult he is
free to associate with anyone
he likes. You and your family are
also adults which means if you
find a person or a relationship
toxic to your life you have every
right to break it off or
distance yourself from her.

She may very well become very
damaging to your cousin and your
family. He of course has to make
his own choices.

You must decide which you want more,
your cousins company at functions
with her, or tell him she is no longer
welcome due to her bad behaviour.

They will likely have alot of
problems in the future due to
immaturity, most alcoholics have
alot of growing up to do.

Don't worry about being nice to this
girl she obviously does not deserve it
unless she starts to behave.
This might take years so don't wait.

If your cousin is a sensible guy
you should be able to express how
you feel to him and he can pass the message
on to his girlfriend that the
family is feeling very uncomfortable with her.

You can not control your cousin or his
choices so take steps to protect your
own safety and sanity even if it
means letting go of their friendship
and attendance at your family
get-togethers.

The kindest thing you can do for both of them is to
refuse to accept their irresponsible
behaviours. Letting them
treat the family like a doormat
is not healthy or good for anyone.

Tell your cousin you would prefer
he not bring her along as you
are feeling afraid and hurt.
If he doesn't respect this then
he is not following his
recovery program either.

Keep your distance from violent and ill people
like her, it is not wise to put your family
in any danger just to please your cousin.

Good luck, take care!