Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 7/21/2008

Question
Hi,
I was dating a recovering alcoholic for 7 months.  He had been  sober for 3 years and drank for 20.  I never knew him when he drank.  We hit it off, fell in love and I thought things were going great.  He broke up with me out of the blue and said he couldn't be in a relationship with me.  When he quit drinking he went to rehab for one week and never received any counseling after.  He also was physically abused as a child.  Now, he has started therapy.  My problem is:  6 months later he says he loves me but can't be in a relationship with me.  I am so confused because I thought things were pretty great.  Now, when I talk to him I feel like I am talking to  a 22 year old.  (He is 41, I am 39).  He loves me, he can't do it, he thinks about me everyday....on and on.  I don't know whether I'm coming or going.  When we were together he was so clear and honest and now I never know what he means when he says anything!  Can you speak to the emotional maturity of a recovering alcoholic?  I fell like I am going crazy!  
Thanks
L

Answer
Greetings to you, Lisa.

You have asked:

>> Can you speak to the emotional maturity of a recovering alcoholic?

I would first have to know what you mean by “recovering”.  Many people today seem to believe the expressions “not drinking” and “recovering” are essentially synonymous, but that is just not so.  So then, your question could be about the emotional maturity of an alcoholic who is not drinking, and the core issue there has to do with whether or not he or she has either experienced or is at least in pursuit of spiritual transformation as well as whether or not anyone else who truly knows and understands the overall dilemma and need is actually doing any real nurturing.  In other words: The display or lack of emotional maturity is symptomatic of spiritual sanity built upon a foundation of humility, willingness and rightly-placed faith.  When someone is doing right things in right ways, his or her emotional state can stabilize and other people are ultimately blessed.

You have written:

>> We hit it off, fell in love and I thought things were going great.

Inasmuch as either or both of you were doing things rightly, things might have been moving along well.

>> He broke up with me out of the blue and said he couldn't be in a relationship with me ... he has started therapy.

“Gotta go now” might be a conclusion he has drawn on his own, or it might be something he has been told ... and the overall possibilities as to what could be behind such a thought or belief are nearly endless.  Some people act like that on the misguided idea we cannot love others until we first love ourselves, and people sometimes believe isolation is conducive to an alleged self-healing.  Whatever the actual details in this particular case might be, you are dealing with an individual who has yet to learn the way of right fellowship with others.

>> I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I understand, and neither does he have any idea as to what is going on in his own life.

>> When we were together he was so clear and honest and now I never know what he means when he says anything!

If you possibly can, talk with the therapist involved and ask for some help to see things in some kind of perspective, then let me know what you have been told.  The therapist is not going to discuss any of his or her other clients with you, but he or she should be willing to at least try to help you understand something about all of this in whatever way he or she happens to see things.

Please know you are always welcomed to write.  I will be away from this site for the next three weeks, but I can still be reached by e-mail during the remainder of this calendar month.

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/