AboutClyde Expertise I can answer questions on the recovery from alcohol addiction as I am a recovering alcoholic with 14 years of sobriety. I can also address the spiritual aspects of the 12-Step program as I have a Master of Divinity degree.
Experience I am a recovering alcoholic with 14 years of continuous sobriety.
Education/Credentials Master of Divinity awarded in 2000 from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary
Expert: Clyde Date: 7/5/2008 Subject: dealing with the emotions of a recovering alcoholic
Question Hi,
I started dating a wonderful man 2 years ago. I was not aware he was an alcoholic. We discovered this in the past year. He's been sober for a little less than a year now depite a rocky road. We both love each other, but in the last 3 weeks he's been really moody, and almost unbearable to live with. We were supposed to get married. Just yesterday he said that he wasn't sure what he wants now. He may want to move out to work on him. I am completely blindsided by this. Just a week ago we were picking out flooring. He refused to attend AA meetings and says they are not for him. Yet he hasn't had a drink. I feel like I'm the one doing everything wrong. And now I have no where to turn. What am I doing wrong?
Thank you...
Answer Carolyn,
Thank you for your question and for sharing a little of the situation.
First of all - You are not doing anything wrong! This is not about you. It is about him. It is indicative of an alcoholic who has stopped drinking but done little in the way of recovery and finding out something about themselves. You have titled this question very appropriately. An adjective to have added would be "rollercoaster" of emotions.
It concerns me that he "refuses" to go to AA meetings. The whole idea of sobriety is so that the alcoholic can treat the causes of alcoholism and not merely the symptoms (the actual drinking). See, alcohol was doing something for him and now that is gone. But the underlying reasons for being "restless, irritable, and discontent" remain. He has not grasped that notion.
Most alcoholics will fail to stay sober because of fear. I would surmise your boyfriend is seriously afraid of what he will find if he works the program. Step four is a step in which we clean up the past and get honest with ourselves and we begin to really uncover who we really are. Those of us who drank for many years were extremely confused about ourselves.
It is good that he is interested in working on himself. That is imperative and you will not want a husband who does not take this step. It would be disaster.
As far as support and where to turn. The group known as Alanon is a place I would recommend to you. These folks have dealt with just what you are facing and will share their experience, strength, and hope with you from their own stories. It is a marvelous place to find answers about how to deal with an alcoholic - drinking or sober.
Alanon has a slogan that I think will answer you question about what you are doing wrong - it says.."You can not cure alcoholism, you did not cause alcoholism, and your can not control alcoholism." It is truly his disease, not yours.
Hope this helps and write again if you have more questions.
