Expert: Clyde - 7/30/2008

Question
QUESTION: I just got married to a recovering alcoholic (8 months sober) 1 month ago.  He quit his job 2 days after the wedding.  This has hurt us financially.  He has recently decided to go back to school.  He moved in with me 3 1/2 months ago and ever since then he has these drastic mood swings.  I am not very happy in the relationship.  I try to do anything to keep him from getting "stressed", which is almost anything.  I love him very much, but it is like taking care of another child.  Will things ever be easier for him?  He says that he gets like that because he is used to using alcohol to deal with his problems and now he doesn't know how to handle things.  Any advice would be great.

ANSWER: Stephanie,
     Thank you for your question about the behavior you are witnessing in your husband.  He is newly sober as anyone with less than a year or two of consistent, healthy work at recovery would be.  He is hopefully in Alcoholics Anonymous, has read the Big Book of AA, has a sponsor with whom he is actively working the 12 step program, and goes to plenty of meetings each week. Right?  I hope you can answer that in the affirmative.

     It is like taking care of a child and he did use alcohol to mask all his living problems meaning, simply, he never matured and never grew up.  It is my experience and my opinion that alcohol abuse leads to a stunting of the maturity process and just because we grow up physically to adulthood and function to some degree, it does not mean that we are "mature" adults.  Far from it.  We alcoholics (when we are actively drinking) are very childish in our attitudes and our understanding of things like responsibility.

     He is displaying very understandable traits in early sobriety.  Recovery gives us a chance to stop the lie and denial that we are using alcohol as a crutch to survive life.  We just don't want to have to deal with life on life's terms.  If we can quit a job, we probably will, just because we think we don't deserve the hassle or whatever excuse we can come up with.  Recovery provides us with the information we never cared to learn and through that process we mature and we do grow up.  It is not hopeless.

     My advice is to support him mightily if he is recovering in AA and suggest he start if he is not.  My suggestion to you is for you to call the AA office near you (white or yellow pages or Internet)and go to one of these meetings.  They are for persons who are dealing with an alcoholic's behavior.  There you will meet many women who are in your same situation and you will gather strength and wisdom from them. They are and have survived the alcoholic's bad behavior.  

     I hope this helps you somewhat.  Please write again if I might answer any other questions.

Grace and Peace
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: How do I support him, but not help him too much?  I want him to "grow up".  And yes he is in AA and has been through the steps.

Answer
Stephanie,
     Thank you for your follow with additional information.

     I am so glad to see that he is a member of AA.  The commitment has to be "one-day-at-a-time" for the rest of his natural life.  That may seem hard to fathom but by living one day at a time, we don't focus on the time frame of life.

    To say that he has been through the steps is good but it is a continuous process for those who are practicing a spiritual way of life as AA as set down.  It is not for me in my humanness to assume that I have done something for myself in arresting alcoholism - it is God that has done this thing.  For that reason I remain steadfast in my commitment.

    I hope he will continue to work the steps and "practice these principles in all his affairs."  That means he has a new way of living free of alcohol.  If he will do that then you will both be on a good course as he learns more about who he is and what he is to be about.  The sense of responsibility will return, if not already.  There will be bobbles along the way. Life doesn't always cooperate with us on what we want.

    I might suggest your reading the Big Book, yourself, particularly, the chapters "To Wives" and "The Family Afterward."  You will gather lots of good information there as it relates to his program.

    True, this is his program and he must persevere, but support from you can be crucial as he moves forward.
 
    Hope this helps and write anytime.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde