AboutJoseph Lee O. Expertise Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
Expert: Joseph Lee O. Date: 7/16/2008 Subject: Is it possible to have arelationship with a recovering alcoholic?
Question Hi Joseph, My situation is this. I have been with my boyfriend, and now father of our almost 3 year old son, for 5 years. He is just barely seven years sober-which is great, however he is a very unhappy individual as a rule. We moved in together just before our son was born, however when he was just 8mo old, we had and explosive fight, and there was domestic battering that took place. He went to jail-and I moved out, only to return a few months later, because I believed he was serious about getting help and maintaining a family together. I will add that we have had a tumultuous relationship this entire time. On my side of the street is I was married to an alcoholic who of course put my family through hell. I had barely begun Alanon when we met. I have been going to Alanon for five years off and on and just recently "get it" if you will. I am finally ready to do the steps, and am trying to take the time for myself to discover how to be a healthier person, partner, mother, friend. I am also drawing closer to God to guide me as well. My boyfriend has attended AA, but he just has no serenity, no joy. He seems to believe that he is ok and the rest of us are all screwed up. Which ok, perhaps I am to a degree, but I am trying to be happy and get heathier through the program and my faith. He says he wants us to be together again. Living in the same house, but honestly the way he acts I cannot imagine ever moving in with him. There is no tenderness. IT's like he doesn't know how to put the needs of others above his own. He has very irrational thought patterns, and mood swings which we can all do from time to time, but even when I try and assure him that his thinking is wrong-he just continues to fill in the blanks with what his brain tells him. Its so frustrating. He has always been this guy that wants it all his way, and for a number of years I was very compliant-Now I see that if I want my life to look more to my liking I have to take steps to make it that way. Plus nothing I have done that he expected of me made one single bit of difference. It's like go bring back the broom of the wicked witch and then I will grant your requests. Well I did, and he didn't expect it, and no he is no happier. The easy simple solution would be just part company and try and "co-parent" our son, however I am either stupid,or stubborn, but I want so much to give our son both parents even if it takes some time to do that. Unfortunately, I have a partner who seems to stick it out with me, but doesn't want to look at himself and say, maybe she has a point. At this time he has not had a sponsor for over a year. I know from just my early step work how important it is to have a good sponsor to keep you focused on yourself. I hope this makes some sort of sense to you. Thank you for taking the time to consider my question. I will look forward to reading your answer! Best to you, Karen
Answer Greetings to you, Karen.
You have asked:
Is it possible to have a relationship with a recovering alcoholic?
Yes, if the alcoholic is truly recovering, as in becoming recovered via the original A.A. experience. However, dealing with the typical recovering-ing-ing-ing alcoholic in today's AA is an entirely different deal.
You have written:
>> I have been with my boyfriend ... [and we now have a son who is nearly three] ...
>> I want so much to give our son both parents ...
The wholeness you are looking for there will be inseparably dependent upon the child’s father experiencing spiritual transformation and committing himself to doing what is best (right) for the child.
>> He is just barely seven years sober ... a very unhappy individual as a rule.
That is because sobriety does not fix the spiritual sickness behind alcoholism.
>> We moved in together ...
>> He went to jail ...
>> I believed he was serious about getting help and maintaining a family together.
It is very possible he actually was (and maybe even still is) quite serious about those things, but he has never been shown the original-A.A. program of recovery ... and now he has seven years of sobriety to seemingly “prove” whatever else he has been doing so far is just fine ... and all of that amounts to a very grievous situation. Have you ever heard the parable of the sower?
Matthew 13:3-9: “See, the sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seeds fell by the wayside, and the birds came and devoured them ...
Matthew 13:18-23: “Hear the parable of the sower: ‘When anyone hears the word and does not understand it, then the wicked one comes and snatches away what was sown ...’”
Seven-or-so years ago, your son’s father experienced a bit of humility and had a “seed of hope” planted in his heart, but there was no one there to help him understand and truly know what to do ... and then “the lower power” came along and offered a poisoned apple that appeared pleasing and tasted really great at the time.
>> I have been going to Alanon for five years off and on and just recently "get it" if you will.
You are presently in a very similar and precarious spot. You know you need to change, and you are willing to do whatever you must ... but you are being offered a poisoned apple. Listen closely here:
>> I am finally ready to do the steps ...
The Steps cannot be “done”. The Steps are to be taken, not “worked”:
“As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things (the essence of Step Two), we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we *took* other simple steps ...”
“Here are the steps we *took* ...” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, pages 46 and 59, emphasis added)
Instead, however, you are being told you need to “work” the Steps, as in “the utilitarian use of spiritual principles for personal gain” (my own expression). Doing that will feel good or even great at first if you do that, but you will ultimately find yourself just as you have already described:
>> ... a very unhappy individual as a rule.
You have written:
>> I ... am trying to take the time for myself to discover how to be a healthier person, partner, mother, friend ... also drawing closer to [G-d] to guide me as well.
The Steps are *not* a self-help program, and Yahuah does *not* help people who are still trying to help themselves any more than an auto manufacturer will come to your house and offer a bit of advice or encouragement while you are trying to rebuild the engine in your car. Rather, here is what the Steps are all about:
“This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing [G-d, as while in any way depending upon ourselves for anything whatsoever]. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, [G-d] was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom ... [and] We thought well before taking this step [Three] making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him [by taking steps Four through Nine].” (pages 62 and 63)
>> I am trying to be happy and get healthier through the program and my faith.
In order for that to happen, the original experience shared in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, must be followed ... and that cannot be found in today’s AA, Al-Anon or any other derivative of the original.
>> The easy simple solution would be just part company and try and "co-parent" our son ...
That would not be a solution at all.
Overall, here is where your son’s parents need to be together in order for him to ever have what The Creator of all would provide for him:
“Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power [to deliver], Thy Love [in provision], and Thy Way of life [in right fellowship and worship].” (page 63)
That is the experience of Exodus tied to Deuteronomy 4:10, and you can read a summation of that kind of witness bearing in chapter seven of the book of Acts.
Having only written a couple of pages here, I have not given full explanations or many details. However, the above at least points toward what is best and right for your son, and that is the Sinai experience of Step Three:
Our Heavenly Father's Power to deliver, His Love in provision, and His Way of life in right fellowship and worship.
Please know you are always welcomed to write as often and as much as you wish.
