Expert: Rebos - 7/22/2008

Question
Dear Rebos,
My question deals with me, a woman who was raised by an alcoholic mother, and married my HS sweetheart who has become an alcoholic.  My husband recently committed to 90 days 90 meetings which he did not complete.  He has begun drinking again and when asks lies.  I bought an alcohol test, he took it and failed.  Why am I having trouble dealing with the truth that is right in my face which is the alcohol score of the test, and why do I want so badly to believe that he wasn't drinking it was the food that he cooked which he say's he put wine into because the recipe called for it although he has been asked not to include wine since he committed to the 90day/meeting.  Since the day of testing him I have smelled alcohol, but I tell myself that I'm not really smelling it that I want to smell it so mentally I'm creating the smell in my mind.  Why am I denying the slurred speech, and the dragging walk and all of the other symptoms the have in the past revealed him drinking.  I know I'm afraid to be alone for fear of not being able to make it, but I do love my husband and just really want him to get clean, sober, and well.  Maybe you can help me understand why I can't seem to accept what I see as being real.

Answer
Good morning Nymia and thank you for your question. I have received literally hundreds of questions from wives who have the same problem that you are faced with… having an alcoholic husband who is not only in denial of his drinking problem, but you have become an “enabler”! So, I am going to answer your question in a similar fashion.

I am sorry to read that your husband’s drinking is affecting your marriage. One of the worst parts of alcoholism is that you can’t ever trust that the alcoholic is telling you the truth.

Alcohol is called the “Great Remover” it will remove everything that is near and dear to the actively drinking alcoholic. Your husband should never be rewarded for any of his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. It is very important for you to remember; NEVER MAKE ANY THREAT TO HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT 100% READY TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH!

Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, insidious and powerful. It has no cure…once an alcoholic always an alcoholic! So to speak…“once you turn a cucumber into a pickle, you can never change it back to a cucumber”. The good news is that there is recovery from the disease and it is accomplished “just one day at a time.” I’m sure that you have heard that saying before. It has been my experience to have never seen an alcoholic recover on their own willpower for the long haul. No one can scare an alcoholic into stop drinking. All the threatening and begging in the world will not get them to stop doing what they cannot do on their own. Don't for one second think that your husband does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Don't be fooled into thinking that he will stop drinking on his own just because he says that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he knows that he can’t stop. Unless your husband goes to a program like Alcoholics Anonymous he is destined to die from one of the many complications of drinking alcoholically, get involved negatively with the law or end up in a mental institution plus destroy you and your family unit in the process.

Of course your husband will not want to go back to AA because addiction to alcohol is a disease of denial. It tells you that you are ok when your life is falling apart. It is generally believed in AA (which has the best track record for recovery) that alcoholism is a three-fold disease… mental, physical, and spiritual. The “mental part”; deals with the thought that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over and the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside force or incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values and a willingness to settle for less and less as his drinking continues. Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease; the AMA says it is. Drinking alcoholically is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for your husband to recover. Without your husband learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before an alcoholic must drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to the near beer with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs). The exception is a doctor’s prescription as long as he or she knows that the patient is an addict!

Each one of us has a breaking point, especially so when we see a person that we care for destroying their life. It is important to understand that an alcoholic is a very sick person who has a “disease”, BUT YET, MUST BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. It is also important for you to hate the disease and not your husband. Alcoholism is a disease that affects not only the alcoholic, but all those who have the unfortunate experience of having any contact with an alcoholic.

I can’t advise you as what to do, but I will say this…If your husband is allowed to continue drinking, doesn’t turn himself in to a detox clinic, and then continue to faithfully go to AA EVERY DAY after his detoxification is over, you are setting yourself up to living a miserable, unhappy and abusive life.  Alcoholism never gets better…it only gets worse. In any case you have to be strong and insist that he does something about stopping drinking. Think carefully before you say anything to him about his stopping drinking; say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it! Once again remember it is most important for you to NEVER make any threat to your husband that you are not 100% willing to follow through with!

I hope that you have not become an “enabler”. It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Any “verbal” or physical abuse by him of you should not be tolerated at all. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. If an enabler has no special knowledge or training in the field of alcoholism and try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and continue on drinking because he knows that he will be forgiven again and again. I hope that you do not turn into such a person.
Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet!

The following is what the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism suggests when dealing with an alcoholic.

Getting an alcoholic into treatment can be a challenging situation. An alcoholic cannot be forced to get help except under certain circumstances, such as when a violent incident results in police being called or following a medical emergency. This doesn't mean, however, that you have to wait for a crisis to make an impact. Based on clinical experience, many alcoholism treatment specialists recommend the following steps to help an alcoholic accept treatment:
Stop all "rescue missions." Family members and friends often try to protect an alcoholic from the results of their behavior by making excuses to others about their drinking and by getting him out of alcohol-related jams. It is important to stop all such rescue attempts immediately, so that the alcoholic will fully experience the harmful effects of his or her drinking--and thereby become more motivated to stop.

Time your intervention. Plan to talk with the drinker shortly after an alcohol-related problem has occurred--for example, a serious family argument in which drinking played a part or an alcohol-related accident. Also choose a time when he or she is sober, when both of you are in a calm frame of mind, and when you can speak privately.

Be specific. Tell the family member that you are concerned about his or her drinking and want to be supportive in getting help. Back up your concern with examples of the ways in which his or her drinking has caused problems for both of you, including the most recent incident.

State the consequences. Tell the family member that until he or she gets help, you will carry out consequences--not to punish the drinker, but to protect yourself from the harmful effects of the drinking. These may range from refusing to go with the person to any alcohol-related social activities to moving out of the house. Do not make any threats you are not prepared to carry out.

Be ready to help. Gather information in advance about local treatment options. If the person is willing to seek help, call immediately for an appointment with a treatment program counselor. Offer to go with the family member on the first visit to a treatment program and/or AA meeting.

Call on a friend. If the family member still refuses to get help, ask a friend to talk with him or her, using the steps described above. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic may be particularly persuasive, but any caring, nonjudgmental friend may be able to make a difference. The intervention of more than one person, more than one time, is often necessary to persuade an alcoholic person to seek help.

Find strength in numbers. With the help of a professional therapist, some families join with other relatives and friends to confront an alcoholic as a group. While this approach may be effective, it should only be attempted under the guidance of a therapist who is experienced in this kind of group intervention.

Get support. Whether or not the alcoholic family member seeks help, you may benefit from the encouragement and support of other people in your situation. Support groups offered in most communities include Al-Anon, which holds regular meetings for spouses and other significant adults in an alcoholic's life, and Alateen, for children of alcoholics. These groups help family members understand that they are not responsible for an alcoholic's drinking and that they need to take steps to take care of themselves, regardless of whether the alcoholic family member chooses to get help. (End of suggestions)

Now for the good news…I strongly suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in YOUR life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help him by first learning to help yourself. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Al-Anon is where you will get better. What you need is to listen to others who are or have been in a similar situation that you are in now and have found an answer to their problem. I guarantee that if you attend Al-Anon regularly, and work on your self…you will get better. That’s not to say that your husband will get better because you go to Al-Anon, but you will learn how to detach from his illness with love and learn to hate the disease and not its victim. You have to give Al-Anon a chance to work for you…there are no quick fixes to your problem. It is your call as to telling your husband that you are going to Al-Anon because of his drinking.

I don’t want to overburden you with any more details than I have already written. If you have any specific questions feel free to ask me in a follow-up. If you do have an intervention please make sure that it is run by a professional who has experience in running one. Thank you, Rebos