Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 7/10/2008

Question
jan, until a few weeks ago i was drinking way to much. i would classify my self as a heavy/problem drinker with the ability to quit with out much problem if i want to. i am a professional. while at a seminar met a truly wonderful female approximate the same age and in the same profession. we are sperated my distance but really seem to be in love.this has been going on since late feb. she never said anything to me about my drinking. well a few days ago i told her that i had this issue. she was pretty upset,she does not drink much,but like i said i was never holding back. she is willing to continue our relationship and i told her that i would not drink and get into some aa group. she has previously been in therpy for co depency. i am confused about one thing we have been sexually active since march and now after i told her she says she does not want to have sex for an extended period of time. she does admitt she recognized my problem but just did not want to bring it up becausewe were having such a good realtionship. i am of the opinion thatit the same great relationship only to get better w/o me drinking. whats with no sex? which i am willing to do. it has also been made clear that i do not stick to my promise not to drink she gone.

Answer
Hello Ted,
Congratulations on recognizing you have a drinking problem and being willing to do something about it. As you will learn in AA, recovery is not just an issue of stopping drinking, but also addressing emotional and other issues that may be involved. I can only guess at your friend's reasons for calling a halt to sex while you address your drinking problem. If she has been in counseling for codependency, she probably has serious trust issues and would feel most vulnerable in intimate relationships, especially if the codependency is related to family history of alcoholism or a prior relationship with someone who was addicted. I suggest discussing her reasons with her, validating them, and allowing some significant time to pass demonstrating that you have successfully addressed your alcohol problem. Indeed, it might be helpful if you and she both attended 12 Step meetings together: you attend AA while she attends Al-Anon; frequently AA and Al-Anon hold their meetings at the same time and place (different rooms). Good luck.
Jan Williams
www.alcoholdrugsos.com