Expert: Clyde - 7/27/2008

Question
As of today,July 27,08 I will be 4 years sober.Prior to a relapse in 04 I was sober for a little over 1 year with no regular AA.My girlfriend of 14 years is being cancelled that my chance of relapse is effecting her treatment for bi-polar.Our relationship for obvious reasons was shaky for the first 8-10 years yet we managed to stay together.Al-Anon groups in Edmonton have worked to no avail.Being a GSR for my group for 3 years,she attends assemblies in Red Deer with me,but being a non-alcoholic she cannot participate.She also helps out at my home group.OPEN MEETING.Is she putting to much into what a phyciatrist says.She understands theres no garrenttees but my recovery and program are very healthy.I do not believe someone else should dictate the end of a 14 year relationship. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME

Answer
Rick,
   Thank you for your questions.  And congratulations on the four years!  That is 1,460 days of continuous sobriety.  How marvelous that we can put even one day together that is not a drunken sick day.  

   I would surmise that your success this second time around is that you have redoubled your efforts in AA.  The program works.

   I agree with you that no third party should DICTATE the end of a 14 year relationship.  The helping field in mental health can be fraught with some fairly unhealthy "helpers" so we must be conscious of that effect on persons seeking their advice.  Not knowing anything about your girlfriend or her psychiatrist I am not able to comment on the specific case for you.  If she is receiving good psychiatric care and good "talk" therapy from this person, perhaps they have stumbled onto a significant find WITHIN her.  That does not say anything about her relationship with you.  It merely says that there is some fear within her that blocks her from finally trusting that you will remain sober.  You are quite powerless over that fear and so is she.

   I suggest that you take some time to reflect upon your four years of grace and draw up one of those Gratitude lists we AA'ers are always talking about to really appreciate what God is doing for you that you can not do for yourself.  It may be that you will find a renewed sense of "letting go" and give her the unconditional love she needs right now to make a decision to face the fear head on. That may mean that she will need to leave the relationship. As hurtful as that would be to you, aren't we in this world to be of service to someone else so that they will receive the bounty of God's blessing?  It may be just the ticket she needs to surmount her fears.

    Hope this helps and let me know if you have other questions.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde