Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 8/13/2008

Question
Hi Joseph,

my boyfriend is a recovering alcohol & drug addict.  He has been in rehab now for about 2mths and have another 2mths to go in secondary care.  I want to know how long it takes for addicts to get emotionally mature.  He can be very childlike in reasoning and still sees situations as black and white, no grey area.  He struggles / denies to see that anything in life can happen regarding relationships.  We want to get married in about a year (on the suggestion that no big steps are taken in the first 6mths - 1yr).  He constantly wants my reasurance that I won't leave him and that I will stick by him through good and bad times.  I have said that I would but would like him to know and accept that there are no guarentees in life and that anything can happen.  He is like a child that is hanging on for life to a promise that is made.  I go to family counseling for the loved ones of addicts at one of the clinics and have learned that addict are emotionally stunted.  How long does it take for them to grow fully in their emotional state?

Thank you,
Chantel

Answer
Greetings to you, Chantel.

You have asked:

>> How long does it take for [a recovering alcohol & drug addict] to grow fully in their emotional state?

As long as it takes to come into right fellowship with The One who created us, and no “rehab” is likely to even point people in that direction.

You have written:

>> He can be very childlike in reasoning and still sees situations as black and white, no grey area.

Since all things in life are either right or wrong, good or evil and so on, the only “grey area” that actually exists is that of ignorance (not knowing) or outright confusion ... and those are the very essence of “childlike reasoning”, are they not?  Children “reason” as they do because they do not yet know or understand much of anything.  Hence, maturity is needed to escape any and all “grey area” ... and that is a challenge for all of us.  

At that point, however, the definition of “maturity” is often debated ... and that matter is the essence of the current dilemma you face.  Psycho-babblers have a view of “maturity” that includes alleged “self-help” and self-reliance, but that kind of philosophy is the alcoholic’s or addict’s problem rather than any kind of solution:

“If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago.  But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried.  We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there.  Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, pages 44-45)

>> He struggles / denies to see that anything in life can happen regarding relationships.

That is because he has yet to be shown how rewarding relationships can actually be possible.

>> We want to get married in about a year ...

Then now would be a good time to find out how that can possibly be successful, and that will be dependent upon spiritual transformation all around.

>> He constantly wants my reassurance that I won't leave him and that I will stick by him through good and bad times.

For all of us, that kind of insecurity is something that can disappear after we have come into right dependence upon the Creator of all.

>> I ... would like him to know and accept that there are no guarantees in life and that anything can happen.

If he is to ever actually recover, he will have to be shown the opposite can actually be true.

>> He is like a child that is hanging on for life to a promise that is made.

Sure, and that is because his dependence is still being placed upon things human.

>> I ... have learned that addict are emotionally stunted.

While that is often certainly true, alcoholics and addicts are far from being the only people with that problem.  What you are presently experiencing in the counsel you are receiving is ultimately nothing more than a poorly-made band-aid.  In other words, you are being told how to attempt to deal with an emotionally-stunted individual without either of you being shown how to come into a manner of living yielding a sense of security and peace that pass all understanding.

Overall, the only solution for any human beings with living problems can be found in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:

“There is a solution.  Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation.  But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.  When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.  We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.
“The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward G-d's universe.  The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous.  He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves.” (page 25)

Please know you are always welcomed to write,

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/