Expert: Druideck - 8/13/2008

Question
Amazing, and well worth celebrating, is that my partner and myself have
some how avoided becoming alcoholics, though we both had parents who
were.  Both of us have spent a lot of hard work the last few years breaking
out of roles (like scape goat) that we had in these families. But once we got
good at being healthier mentally (still working at it) even around them we
ended up being edged out of the family. No one seems to want us around
because we don't drink and we don't submit to the old roles. That is my take
anyway.

I am totally lost on how to deal with this. My children want to know their
extended family better.  We are relieved not to have to worry about how much
drinking will be present at family functions- because we are no longer
invited.

One forth of July celebration a nephew of 7 years was found drinking beer
behind a bush- they thought it was funny and refered to him as being a lil'
s***- we were mortified. This is the difference.  We since then have limited
our interactions, and not submitted to any form of abusive behavior. The
consequence is we are now out of the cirlce all together.  I feel we have to
accept we have no control, but where the children come into it with their
extended family- it is just not fair. I am just not sure how to move forward. I
am outraged by it.  Another important factor seems to be the fact we are not
christian. We are unitarian universalist, and his father says that our not being
christian is the real reason. Mind you this man never goes to church, prays or
so on. What can we do? Any info you can throw my way is very appreciated.

Answer
Brenda,

I congratulate you on making choices
that promote your individuality.
It is difficult to change unworkable behaviours
that we learn so well in our families.

These roles are hard to shake when the
rest of the family tries to stay the
same. You have stirred up the family
by changing your behaviour.

The trick is being yourself and
still trying to be "in" the family.
Some family members may not be
comfortable with you and that
is not something you can change.
What people perceive is entirely
up to them.

Over time some may accept you
and some may never do it for
their own reasons.
We all have a right to be in relationships
we like and to avoid people we do
not "click" with.
This is something we have to respect
and accept.

Sometimes a big gathering is not
the place to patch things up.
A visit that is casual and
done with a family member
alone may result in a better
understanding between you and them.

They may be feeling very afraid of
the changes you have made in your
life. This makes them want to
avoid you. If you really
want to pursue their company
you need to approach them
gently and without judgement.

They are people trying to learn
and grow at their own pace.
You may be lucky enough to have
found some better ways of thinking
and behaving but they have not.

Stick to your new healthier
beliefs and maybe they will
someday come to you.
Remember the anger you are feeling
is because of what you are demanding
and not getting from them.
It is not them that makes your anger, it is you.
Let go of the addictive demands and
your anger will fade.
You can try to befriend them or let go
but you can never demand results,
that is playing god.