Expert: Clyde - 9/2/2008

Question
QUESTION: My husband is newly recovering alcoholic-60 days- has a sponsor, doing 90 in 90- I am in Alanon, w/ sponsor,on step 9 and trying to gather myself from where I placed myself.
Heres the rub---My husband shuts down for days- high functioning but emotionally closes off and walks about the house with anger on his face and will not admit it or talk about what might be bothering him.  Huge mood swings-why won't he talk about this at all? Its very hard to like beign around the house- with this suppressed anger filling the rooms. What to do?

ANSWER: Debra,
    Thank you for the questions and sorry for the delay in getting back to you.

    Mood swings are to be expected as a person moves into the decision to do something different with their life - stopping the behavior of drinking is a significant change.  There will be many things going on in his head and many emotions may be running around.

    If you husband has been moody even while drinking (not talking to you and sulking and being angry, etc.) it probably signals a little bit of a trust issue with you.  He may not feel free to share his true feelings for a variety of reasons. Perhaps you have not been receptive to his moods in the past and he now has a problem being vulnerable with that when he is around you.  Take for instance the wife who tells the husband, "There will be no anger shown in this home!!!"  Anger is a natural emotion and it can not be suppressed for life.  But the husband has been told that his emotions are to be stifled and he can not freely express how he truly feels.  Anger builds and he explodes but in the meantime he bottles it up and keeps quiet.  This is not good.

    This can be so with all other sorts of situations.  And it may not be anything you have done.  It may be rooted in early childhood and he has never successfully dealt with it.  Step 4 and the rest of the program will help him unbury all the reasons why he gets moody and especially why he gives you the silent treatment.

     Suggestion: if he will talk to you about it, and you are willing and have sufficient courage to listen to his anger, allow him to know you will do that for him - listen. I do not mean allow him to vent bile and bitterness at you but allow him to own anger in a way that acknowledges it for himself.  He need not become physically violent and if he does, do not accept that behavior.  You have agreed to listen to his mood and allow him to share with you.  His anger is not your anger but sharing it will let him know he can get it out without having to sulk.

    It will not be easy for you, particularly if you are afraid of anger and angry people, and it will not be easy for him to share it.  It will be good and healing if it can be done.

    He is on a good road now that he is in recovery, but you know that from your alanon work.

    It may also be as simple as the difference in men and women.  If you have not read it, I would suggest getting a copy of John Gray's book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."  In that book you'll learn that men tend to "go into the cave" to solve problems and women "Like to talk it through."  That is a vast difference.  Men make the mistake of not telling their mates that they will be back and hence the mate worries and eventually "nags" the guy to death when all he needs is time to solve his own problem.

    Hope this helps and write again if you have other questions.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: My husband uses shut down as an emotional management style from childhood- although I have made many verbal mistakes as I was walking thru living with addiction.
Does a person know they are closed off/emotionally shut down?  THe management stylehas brought me smack in front of my family of origin issues and that is a gift- however when I have felt alone and cried- he just atares at me like I am an alien.
We have a nice marriage but this emotional shut down is terrible to deal with. I share this because I have found that in my al-anon meetings it is helpful to be rigorously honest and others can relate.
Thank you.
Debra


ANSWER: Debra,
   Thank you for your follow-up and thanks for sharing more details of the behaviors.

    The answer is yes, and no.  The person knows that they are shutting down but they do know know why.  There's the rub.  So, yes, they are aware but no, they do not have an understanding of it.

    It is more than likely being used in your case as a defense mechanism against being hurt if your husband ever allowed himself to be vulnerable to you.  He probably discovered at a very young age that being vulnerable resulted in his esteem being badly beaten, or so his young ego thought so at the time.  This is the concept of the "inner child" you will read about in the self-help literature.  That sort of genre is all well and good, but the bottom line is that he was hurt as a child and has carried over the coping mechanism into adulthood.  

    It is also a passive-aggressive tactic at control and power.  The power play is to make you miserable and to make you think you are the guilty party in all problems that come up.  It is a very childish behavior but a very real one with someone who is afraid of intimacy.  I do not mean sexual intimacy - I mean vulnerability with one's complete self with another person.

    You mentioned this has shown you some tings about your own family of origin so perhaps this is making sense to you as well.  If you were treated similarly perhaps you were able to pick up some good advice and wisdom from some good role models and changed the behaviors.  It also may be due to your being female and his being male as we discussed in my last answer.

    His blank stares are just that - blank because nothing is there for anyone else.  He only has enough emotional control to barely sustain himself thus he can offer you nothing in the way of caring or empathy or sympathy.  It is strange to watch but a reality of the hurt inner child.

    What to do?  Well, pray that he is willing to continue his program and that he finds someone he can trust to delve into this issue.  It will not be easy but it is possible to overcome the problem.  Perhaps you two could search out some counseling along these lines.

    Hope this helps.

Grace and peace,
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: THank you Clyde, AA meetings seem to be a wonderful resourse- from  sponsorship,listening and meetings- but you are right- My husbnad seems to be vacuous- and goes completely silent aftr a nice dinner out and a movie- its over and its 8pm- when trying to make conversation in the car (which seems to be a hard place to maintain equilibrium) he sked me "if this a mommy report?" I belive I am paying for his resentments to his Mother by being female. Long silences in the car after a trip were very uncomfortable for his now grown children. I really don't feel comfortable going anywhere with him as this comes up after 10 min to 1 hr of being out in the world- and I feel upset when we go to Starbucks for coffee- and he looks vacuous - like hed rather be anywhere in the world but at Starbucks reading the paper.Its not a place of comfort for me or anyone- the silence is deafening and for no reason that is reality. Pls answer.

Answer
Debra,
    Thank you for the follow-up and "bingo!!" we have a winner!

    His question to you is very telling and your assessment is equally insightful.  He probably does have some pent up anger and resentment with his mother and he is taking this out on you and the family.  I would not go so far as to say it is a resentment against all females but it certainly could be.

    The trait he describes for himself as: "is this a mommy report?" is one of a wounded child not having been requited in the past.  That child will need to be addressed before significant change can occur in his behavior.  This miracle will not be of your doing - it will be done by God through the program and your husband's  willingness to embrace step 4 full force and with gusto. There he will deal with resentments.

     I have to say that I find few people in the program are willing to go much deeper than superficially when dealing with resentments of this kind.  That being said, I am in hopes that as he heals in the program he will be led to do some additional work with a therapist or psychologist to really tackle these. It will depend on how much he really wants to become a better husband to you and a better person all around.  I hope you are seeing some positive effects the program is having on his relationship with you.

     He does not know how to break out of the hurt and he is not trusting you to be the person with whom he can be vulnerable in order to do this.  You might be someone in the future but for now you've seen that you are not the one who can do this for him.  It will take someone (probably a woman) who will be able to allow him to project is hurt onto her (a woman who has done her own psychological work so that countertransference does not interfere).  Only in this way does a person have a chance to work out childhood issues.  They have to be able to "see" it and "touch " it and address it humanly, tangibly.  I am convinced that many of these same kinds of "mother" issues are why so many men are prone to get into promiscuous and adulterous affairs - they are searching for the woman onto whom they may project their pent up emotions.

     Know that he is on a good course and pray that he continues.  If you have an opportunity to suggest a psychologist, etc., do it BUT do not pry nor force this issue. He is hurt enough and any forcing will drive the behavior deeper into his psyche.

    I hope this helps with answering your question and that it gives you some reason for hope.  Hang in there with him and love him the best you can for now.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde