AboutDruideck Expertise All questions are important,
I have over 22 years of personal experience with alcoholism and recovery issues.
Advanced Counsellor Training / Experience with treatment and AA.
Experience Over 22 years of recovery from alcoholism.
Counsellor in an alcohol outpatient office.
Experience as client and as counsellor in treatment center.
Education/Credentials Advanced counsellor certificate,
Melbourne ORYGEN Research Centre volunteer consultant
Expert: Druideck Date: 8/22/2008 Subject: post breakup with alcoholicex, confusion
Question My ex and I broke up after 8 years off and on. We broke up when realized he was still doing coke (i was already going to alanon for thinking it was "just" alcoholism)- which he had lied to me about. this time we were going to make it work, but his flakiness and disappearing and not being there made me crazy- brought out the worst in me. I have apologized, and explained this-but cant help but think he thinks it is me! He said I'm too needy (although he would do thing- such as not call and not have a phone which mad me needy). anyway it hurts because i think he thinks it is for the best and hes going to find someone more compatible, and that breaks my heart. i have stuck around a long time. i just feel it would be easier to move on if he was still in love with me. the last time we saw each other he did say he loved me but he wants to be "friends"- i wont see him or talk to him and i am HURT that he can just go back and view me as a "friend". but part of this is that i feel guilty because during this whole time i would not sleep with him (we did other stuff though) because i didn't trust him or he was always wasted. i feel guilt about this. please help me get over him. it has been a week with no contact and it hurts to think hes moving on and i'm not.
Answer Gena,
It is always difficult when relationships
end whatever the reasons.
Alcohol and/or drug use will always
at some point destroy any relationship.
It doesn't matter how hard people try
the drugs will always get in the way.
Because he is an addict the drug
will be his first choice.
Addicts and alcoholics can not
behave as a "normal" person would
due to their addiction and
loss of control over their lives.
Nothing you do or did in the past
can change a person dependent on drug
use. He will not likely have a successful
intimate relationship with anyone until he
has dealt with his drug problem.
Guilt is often something addicts
are good at making others feel.
They like to shift the blame for everything
to their partner. They are often irresponsible.
It was not unreasonable for you to ask him
to call or let you know where he is.
Most people are willing to work on a relationship
to improve it. He is an expert at playing
games with you. He knows how to push your buttons.
At this point he may think that you were
interfering with his choice of lifestyle,
to use drugs/alcohol and behave irresponsibly.
Being friends is much easier as the responsibilities
may seem reduced and it frees him to do as he likes.
Now a note to consider, when a person is involved
with an alcoholic or addict it is usually
for unhealthy reasons of their own.
People are often in the role of caretaker,
scapegoat, punisher or acting out
some trauma of the past and trying to
make things work out better this time.
These are behaviour patterns that develop
in response to living with troubled
parents or other people in our lives.
The attraction to the people that let
us keep trying to find true love
is very much the same as being addicted
to a substance.
We believe if we only do everything right
this time our desires will come true.
We try so hard to please and to understand
our partner but it always ends the same.
We get used to the ups and downs, we
like riding the emotional roller coaster
these addicts put us on, even though
we may not consciously know or admit it.
This relationship addiction can destroy
a person as readily as a drug.
We think obscessively about the other person,
we call them, we search for them,
we scold them, we extract promises which
are never kept. We leave them only
to return with our fresh bouquet of promises
which turn out to be the same lies as before.
This circle of promises and pain has to
recognized and treated much the same
as any addictive process.
