Expert: Amarnath.B - 8/25/2008

Question
QUESTION: Dear Amarnath,
I've known this man for 40 years.  He put himself into detox in June to help with his cocaine habit.  He was homeless at the time.  I've been seeing him for almost 2 years.  I don't want to delude myself into believing he'll change regarding his alcoholism but, at this time, I don't want to walk away because he has made some strides.  He drinks straight vodka out of a bottle.  He lives in a room in one of the worst neighborhoods in the city we live in.  He is willing to see a therapist and it took some real convincing on my part.  He does have a job and he signs his paychecks over to me and I make sure his fiscal responsibilities are taken care of.  I speak up about backsliding into drinking during his free time.  I'd at least like to know that what I say and do "may" (optimum word)lead him in the right direction.  He's been in detox many times and had been sober in the past.  Once for 12 years and the other for 5 years.  I need a realistic point of view on my part because I don't want to give up hope that he'll always drink.  He hates AA.  He says he drinks because he's lonely and wouldn't if I were with him every night.  I don't believe that for one minute.  I've been miserable lately and I can't keep myself from attempting to discuss his drinking so much again.  I've read many books and each one has a different opinion relevant to detachment.
I'm trying to be objective and realistic but, I'm afraid I've become obsessed with trying to "fix" him and have lost sight of being effective with both our lives.  He wants to marry me and I absolutely refuse to do any such thing because of his alcoholism.  The fact that we've known one another for the past 40 years keeps on tripping me up emotionally.  He's a wonderful person with a dangerous and chronic alcohol problem.  I need to know if I'm just pipe-dreaming thinking I can be helpful to him and save myself at the same time.
Thanks,
Ruth

ANSWER: Dear Ruth,

Remember this, 'once a alcoholic, always an alcoholic.'

The fact that he has no desire to stop drinking (blaming his lonelines) and also his delusion that AA cannot help him, gives him a faint chance of recovery.

At the outset, I have to say this that you've been enabling him all this while and that makes you a co-dependent.  Alcoholism is a disease which cannot be cured but can only be arrested taking one day at a time vis-a-vis one sober day at a time.  That can only happen if he has a desire to do so and accepts AA as the only solution. From what I understand he's been emotionally blackmailing you and that you've become a victim either by choice or accidentally.

The only solution for your problem is that you should stay away from him for at least sometime till he comes to terms with himself and come to terms with life itself.  Detox is not the solution, the only one being that he should be put in a rehabilitation center at least for 3 to 6 months taking into account the long period of drinking that he has.

The fact that he was sober doesn't actually count because he would've have been 'dry drunk.' Staying away from alcohol is not the only solution for an alcoholic but he/she should be sober both mentally and physically because alcohol is only the tip of the iceberg in an alcoholic's life.  His defects of character and emotional problems are the major factors that drives him/her to the bottle.  AA way of life is the only way that one could keep a check both physically and mentally.

I suggest, before you too become emotionally sick, to first detach yourself from him.  Explain to him the reasons for your decision, ask him to see a counselor and check himself into a rehab first.  Take time and give him time and then make the decision later either to make or break this relationship.

Remember, you've to face reality one day or the other.  Before you get caught in the loop of co-dependency, come out and give him a chance to recover.

Mail me back and let me know the progress.

God bless,


Amarnath



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I was afraid you would say that I was enabling him.  I know I've heard both terms: enabler and codependent before but, do not feel I have the knowledge I need to do the appropriate thing for myself or for him.  Is there something I could read or an organization I could contact for help in understanding alcholism and my part of making things worse for him.  I don't want my future to be destroyed.  Thank you for your answer and your help.
Ruth

Answer
Hi Ruth,

Yes, you can join Al-Anon, a self-help group for co-dependents (wives, children, siblings, parents, girlfriends etc of alcoholics).  This group is an off shoot of AA and has helped millions of families recover from co-dependency and understand the disease of alcoholism.  Contact the nearest AA and ask them to direct you to the nearest Al-Anon.

All the best in your own recovery & lots of blessings,


Amarnath