Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 8/3/2008

Question
QUESTION: We are about to have to tell my dad that he cannot drive our 15 month old anywhere because of his recent lying/covert drinking and coming home from the golf course drunk, carrying alcohol in the back of his vehicle, sneaking to the car to drink.  Anyway, we didn't know what we could list as conditions for having driving privileges of his grandchild reinstated.  Any input?  HEre were our thoughts:
-must have breathalizer starter ignition in his car installed
-must attend AA
-must have sponsor
-must be 1 year in recovery
-must not lie to family

IS this too lenient??
--Amy

ANSWER: Hello Amy,
That's well done. I do not think that your conditions are too lenient. The power of alcoholism is such that rarely will any alcoholic (and your Dad sure has the indicators of this disease) decide to seek help and abstinence without negative consequences such as being confronted with endangering his grandchild. I have a few comments. I assume that in addition to not placing your son in danger from being in the car with an intoxicated grandparent, your goal is to motivate your father to seek recovery. So, and I am sure you are doing this, I would be clear with him that you are acting out of love for him and desire to help him into recovery.

It sounds as if the only consequence for your Dad is not allowing him to drive his grandchild: you may wish to enlarge the consequence to not having him be around the child at all until your Dad is well into AA, abstinence, and recovery. Finally, you have not said how this information will be presented to your Dad; I assume it will be by way of an intervention (if you have cooperative significant others). Treatment Programs can help facilitate such an intervention. There are also professionals who do family interventions. Here is one interventionist whom I know personally: http://www.intervention.com/. Good luck.
Jan Williams
www.alcoholdrugsos.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your advice; it was reassuring.  As far as an intervention--Nope, my sister and mom are not ready to give Dad their ultimatums, so this will just be me and my husband laying down our rules (out of love) in our living room with dad and mom.  No one seems to be ready yet to do an intervention.  Part of the problem is that he's retired, so there are no social or work consequences to his drinking.  Anyway, for some reason, no one sees his behavior as intervention-worthy and my mom mistakenly thinks once they move out of their hometown and he leaves his drunk friends behind this behavior will be over.


Answer
Hello Amy,
Well, at least someone close to your Dad is being honest and appropriate with him. I am sure you have done so, but I would try to educate your Dad's enablers about enabling, denial, and the power of the disease of alcoholism; and then, there's always prayer. Good luck.
Jan Williams
Addictions Counseling Online
www.alcoholdrugsos.com