Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 8/9/2008

Question
My boyfriend of going on a year and a half admits to being an alcoholic, and until recently I'll admit I've been an enabler... I love him very much and he is honestly the most descent guy I have ever met.  He loves me beyond words, treats me unlike any guy ever has.  Even when drunk he is not abusive physically or verbally.  BUT... the big BUT... when we first started dating he drank once or twice a week.  If he drank more than that it was one or two beers in the evening.  He really isn't a hard alcohol drinker, he just likes his beer.  As time went on it became regular for him to have 2-3 beers every night and would get trashed a couple times a month.  At first I naively thought that if he had a few beers a night it would keep him from bingeing later on, but it has escalated to a six pack (sometimes more, sometimes a little less) every single night and getting completely trashed once every weekend.  I've had enough.  This last 2 weeks has been it.  He went to jail for the night for "interfering with an officer" for 1 night last weekend, and this weekend he got so drunk with our neighbor that he ended up taking shots with a guy he met at the bar and passed out at the guys hotel room...I didn't hear from him until noon the next day.  That was the breaking point for me.  His mom almost died and is in poor health now because of alcoholism.  He is 36 years old and once that first beer hits his lips he doesn't want to stop.  I told him that enough is enough.  I told him that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and that at this point that looks like only another 10 years if that.  We have no other problems in our relationship other than his drinking and If he wants to be with me he has to realize that this is going to be the thing that kills us.  I told him that I didn't want to be the "nagging" girlfriend, and I didn't want to give him an ultimatum "beer or me"... but that he needed to figure something out.  He admitted that he would not be able to just cut down on drinking and that he needs to completely stop... He wants to see his doctor and get it started but he said he doesn't want to go to meetings or anything like that.  When I mentioned that he should tell his family so they can be there for him and support him he said he wasn't sure that he wanted to tell them.  I have the feeling that he does want to stop drinking but doesn't think he can, and that if he tells his family he's quitting and then fails, they will be disappointed, and he doesn't want that.  I'm not really sure what to do and need advice.  We live together and love each other very very much, at what point do I pack up and leave?  I told him "don't say you are going to stop drinking just because I'm mad at you, don't do this to appease me, do it for yourself"  He seems honest and sincere and does know that he absolutely needs to stop but I can see in his eyes and in his body language that he just does not think he can.  I don't want to be one of those women that keeps putting up with it, my heart says to stand by him and my head says "watch out".  What can I do to help him now that he admits his problem and knows he needs help.  We do have financial obligations and going into treatment would mean quitting his job, if need be though we can do that, but I don't know if he would agree to it.  What do you suggest, and If he picks up a drink again, be it tomorrow or in a week or in a month, how should I go about this...what should I say to him, what should I do?? I'm 23, he's 36, and I stress again what a genuinely good guy he is.. I want to fight for our relationship but when is enough...enough?  

Answer
Hello Samantha,
There are no simple solutions for your situation. I like the fact that you are being honest with your boyfriend about his drinking and are looking for ways to help him and not enable his drinking. I cannot tell you when "enough is enough"; you must figure out that yourself. I suggest you consider attending meetings of Al-Anon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/), the 12 Step program for persons in a relationship with an alcoholic, to learn about how to take care of yourself while at the same time giving positive, honest messages to your boyfriend that he must address his drinking problem. Most alcoholics cannot stop drinking without help. I strongly endorse AA meetings for your boyfriend, plus help from an addictions counselor. Good luck,
Jan Williams
Licensed Addictions Counseling Online
www.alcoholdrugsos.com