Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 9/10/2008

Question
I have a 32 year old daughter who became an alcoholic a couple of years ago during a short abusive marriage.  She has her masters in education but because of drinking, she lost her job.  She has been in several hospitals and on two occasions I sent her in an ambulance.  She is now back for the second time living in some halfway house in Hollywood Florida.  I am raising my 13 year old granddaughter.  The last time she came back home, she brought with her a man that she met at the halfway house.  His problem was drugs.  She got a new teaching position and could have been back on the right path.  Two weeks ago she borrowed 1000.00 from her dad until her first pay check for utilities, etc.  She disappeared that same day and four days later I found out from her man friend where she might be.  She was in a drug house in a very bad part of town.  A police officer told me he knew her because she frequented a truck stop and was probably "hooking".  I found the house where she was staying with a man who goes by Pink Panther.  She would not come outside and I just lost it.  I got a chair off of the porch and beat her car to pieces (we gave her the car).  Pink Panther even came outside and cursed me and hit me hard on top of my head.  I left.  I have cried and cried, but now I am so angry that I hate her guts and never want to see her again.  We plan on selling the house we bought for her and don't you think we should?  I never want her back here again.  Her electricity was cut off and I had to go to her house where no one is living and clean out a really stinky refridgerator.  I also love my granddaughter, but the thought of raising a teenager and one who has no parental figure and is angry scares me to death.  I am 56 years old.
Should I stay tough and not let her back into the house she abandoned and sell it?  She says she hates Alabama and so she can just stay out of Alabama.

Answer
Hello Diane,
I sure empathize with your feelings of anger and pain. Persons with addiction are totally self-centered, act irrationally, without any consideration for those who love them. That is the nature of, and power of, addiction. I always suggest that, after validating their feelings, persons in your situation strive to direct their anger, even hatred, toward the addiction and attendant behavior, and try to separate the behavior from the human being who has the addiction. I am not in any way excusing the addictive behavior, just explaining that addiction is a disorder so powerful that the human being will engage in behaviors that go against her own values. Having said that, I cannot advise you what you should specifically do, such as sell the house, but will say that without consequences an addict or alcoholic will not hit bottom and perhaps become truly ready to recover. Pain and consequences help the addicted person to become willing to consider abstinence. After all your daughter is far past the age where you should be supporting her. Your own welfare and that of the 13 year old child need to come first. I strongly suggest you take a look at attending Al-Anon, the 12 Step meetings for those in a relationship with an alcoholic, to get support and learn how to protect yourslef and not enable your daughter in her addiction. Take a look at this site where you can find helpful information: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ You can also find more help at my website: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com/FamilyAddictionsCounselingonline.html
Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com