Expert: Amarnath.B - 9/12/2008

Question
Hi

I hope you can help. My husband has recently come out of rehabilitation. He had cocaine and alcohol addiction. The rehabilitation clinic advised that he will not have any physical craving for alcohol or cocaine and that the body no longer needs it. I understand that he will get cravings for alcohol sometimes and it is up to him to be able to control himself. However, since coming out of rehab 3 weeks ago he has relapsed 4 times. I have tried everything to make him go to AA meetings regularly but he only goes when he feels like it. There is no alcohol in my house and nothing to tempt him. But because he suffers from depression everytime he feels a bit down he reaches for the bottle.

For example, he went out one day after taking money from me in the morning and more money from my mum in the afternoon. Because this is what he used to do when he was taking cocaine, when I realised that he had taken money from me and then told my mum that he didn't have any money and took more from her I automatically thought he was going to go out and buy cocaine. I tried calling him a number of times and he didn't answer his phone - this made me more suspicious so I went out looking for him. I found him at the bus stop and as it happens he wasn't doing anything wrong and had no intention of it. He had used my money on a cab earlier in the day and needed some more for the bus. I felt bad but at the same time I felt that my suspicion was justified. However I apologised for doubting him and he seemed fine and got on the bus. When he got home later that day he had been drinking. He then preceded to blame me for doubting him and told me that it was my fault he had had a drink. I did Tell him that he couldn't reach for the bottle everytime he feels down but I don't know why he keeps doing it. Do you think I should have handled this situation differently? Perhaps if I hadn't gone looking for him he would not have had a relapse. I know that it is not my fault but I do think I need help to handle situations differently in order to help him get better. Another time he relapsed because a few friend got together at someones house and they all went for a drink but didn't invite him (because they knew that he couldn't go to any 'wet' places). He was quite upset by this and drank half a bottle of scotch at their house after they left.

Also, since my husband stopped snorting cocaine he has started snorting tablets (paracetamol etc)instead. Is this normal. He keeps telling me he has stopped but I keep catching him out again. Will he eventually stop this? How can I help him stop this.

I have found a list on the Internet stating 15 points to consider before reaching for the bottle and have given this to him to read everytime he wants a drink. I have also put the AA helpline no in his phone for him to call if he wants to talk but this hasn't worked. Can you make any other suggestions?

I know it is going to be difficult for him to get used to sobriety but can you suggest anything that could make it easier for him. I cant really think of other things to do rather than going to the pub that he can enjoy with his friends. If he went to AA meetings he could get to know other people  who are in his situation and they could get together and do things but because he is quite a proud person he doesn't very often go to AA meetings. How can I help him to see that sobriety can be enjoyable?

I look forward to hearing your response.

Thanks in advance.


Answer
Dear Mandeep,

Addiction is a disease and cannot be cured. It can only be arrested by staying stop.  

You mentioned that your husband was in a rehab. How long & what was the program that he underwent there?  Getting into a rehab is one thing, but having the desire to stop is another. Now does your husband have the desire to stop?

Blaming, lying, projection, and minimizing are the most common symptoms of addiction.  The fact that he goes back to the bottle and blames you, and probably the whole world for his addiction proves that he has no desire to stop.  

AA, for decades has helped millions of addicts come out of their problem.  Addiction is a physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional disease.  Alcohol is only the tip of the iceberg.  Abstinence is not the only solution.  A person has to clean himself inside.  An addict is full of character defects.  It takes a long time for a person to come out of these problems.  Only AA can help through their 12-step program. It is a life-long process not a short-term solution.

Now, you have become a co-dependent of addiction.  Your personality reflects an addict's behaviour, his countenance, etc.  You've become an enabler of your husband by trying to please him and taking all the crap that he throws on you and the family.  You must first come out of this.  Start by ignoring him. Start taking care of yourself.  It is not worth wasting your life away on an addict.  

Al-Anon, a self-group, an off-shoot of AA (for dependents, families, friends, etc of alcoholics) has helped millions of families handle situations like yours.  I suggest you contact the nearest group and start attending meetings.  It will help you handle your husband and also free you of your emotional and physical bondage.

You should now start being firm and stand your ground.  Your husband needs a longterm rehab, at least for 3 to 6 months. A rehab where the 12-step program of AA is followed.  Then, a life long allegiance to AA is the only answer for your husband's sobriety, if {?} he wants to lead a happy and sober life.

Mail me about his progress and God bless,


Amarnath