Expert: Druideck - 9/11/2008

Question
I think I am here to try to talk myself out of carrying on the relationship with my girlfriend. She is to me what I think that alcohol is now to her.
I just find it so hard to walk away. I love her so much and adore her, it makes me feel physically sick thinking about ending this.
I would like to tell you my story.
I am a 35yr old guy who started speaking to a girl over the internet when working abroad in Libya at Christmas time. There was nothing sexual involved, we had a lot in common, she came from the same town that I lived in during my growing up years in Scotland, knew a lot of my friends, especially an old colleague of mine from about ten years past. He had died about a year earlier. I never knew about it until she told me. We had an instant connection.
When I came back to the UK a few weeks later I went to see her, we hit it off and within two weeks we were living together. She is gorgeous and has two beautiful young girls.
When we went out I noticed that she changed considerably after a few drinks. Becoming over flirty and and unstable quite quickly. I just brushed it off as me being too paranoid and her not being able to handle the booze. As time went on I noticed that she could not enjoy a few drinks and leave it at that. I was always asked to go to the shop and buy another couple of bottles of wine. The nights regularly resulted in her falling asleep on the sofa.
One night she told me about her estranged father, how he had abandoned her while she was younger and erased her from his life. She had decided to try to communicate with him and managed to get contact and a reply. The reply was appalling, he was a very intelligent and cold man.
This lead to her drinking more heavily. To the point where it was scaring me a little. When I went out to Libya again to work a few months later a terrible thing happened. She had my e-mail password and read some mails from a previous relationship. They were in my SENT folder, I didn't realise that it stored old mails. This made her drink very heavily the next day. I had called her but she became abusive and told me that it was over. Finding it impossible to believe that I could say similar things to another girl. I tried to contact her again but she kept ignoring my calls. Then the phone was answered by a man who's voice I did not recognise, the phone then hung up. I was very concerned about her well-being and our relationship so tried everything to get somebody to check on her. It wasn't until later that night that I managed to get someone to go around to her house and check on her.
The next day I got to speak to her. She had calmed down, we sorted things out. She had no real recollection of what had happened the previous day but started to get flashbacks. She remembered waking up on the sofa with no clothes on, folded in a neat pile and had bruises on her body and arms. The police were informed and an investigation ensued. I came home early from working and consequently lost my job.
The drinking became worse but our love for one another became even stronger. I managed to find another job and things were looking up again.
When we thought we would never find out what happened on that horrible day a neighbour came forward and spoke about what he knew. He had witnessed the children's father walk out of the house after a lot of very loud noises, smoke a cigarette and walk back in. We were both devastated. I had been out for a pint with this guy on a few occasions and actually respected him.
We decided to move out of the area.
A new start.
But the drinking continued and worsened until the point where the rows became serious and she became violent towards me. By now the social services were involved and she decided to get professional help. Seeking advice from a councilor and obtaining anti-craving tablets from her GP, everything was put in the open and honesty we thought would get us through.
It did not help though, the drinking continued and the horrible rows too. I knew the drink was the real issue but it was hurting me inside. I was being lied to, drinks were hidden all over the house. I decided to give up and drink with her. One night we had both been drinking, I snapped after getting beaten and scratched again, so put her to the floor and banged her head against the carpet telling her to stop hitting me. I felt so bad about it the next day but could not change what I had done. She decided to start going to AA and admitted that there was a serious problem. I then went to Al-anon so that I could understand and deal with things better. She visited her councilor and told her what I had done during a meeting.
When she came home she told me to also get help with my anger. I found this hard to accept. Did I really have this problem? I thought she was the one with the problem. Well circumstances were extreme, the only one time I ever became physically aggressive towards a girl. I certainly would never want this to happen again but found it hard to accept that I was not a good, kind man but really a monster.
I was away for the day working and when I returned she had taken her family and left me. Back to the house where she did not feel secure and that awful day had taken place. I was devastated.
Her mother came to see her that night and had to take the children away from her. The drinking got worse and now the children wont be returned until she can improve.
She has started to regularly attend the AA, we have started a relationship again as we both love each other intensely. Only now things are different, I am not important to her like I used to be. She has been told by the social workers that if she dates me then she will not get the children back as I am seen as an aggressive man. Which I am not.
I work away for long periods at a time and I want this so badly. I am having a great deal of difficulty dealing with the relapses. When I call, if she has been drinking, it often ends in a row and I cannot sleep, then she drinks more. It affects my job where I am in charge of a crew in a dangerous environment, recently I feel depressed more than happy.
My head tells me I have to walk away but I have entered two young girls lives and am still madly in love with my girlfriend.
Its such a mess. I wish I could fix all of this. What can I do? Can you see any way that this can work or am I kidding myself and making things worse for everybody concerned?


Answer
Scott,

you have a long troubled history
with this relationship.
As I see it you have to decide
what the payoff is for keeping
it going and what part of the
relationship is keeping you hanging on
even though it sounds like it
involves alot of problems for
both of you.
It is easy to believe that strong
feelings are love even if they
are more related to the relationship
addiction which I sense may be at play
here.
This type of addiction is non-chemical
but involves the same highs and lows
that keeps an addict using the drug
they prefer to use.
Other similarities are the geographic
changes to get away from the problems
and the promises, hope, hurt and
then the break ups.
The reunions are always meant to be a
new start but as the cycle repeats
itself so do all the same problems.
These are addictive relating patterns
and will spiral downward until
you both take recovery very seriously.
I say both because living with an
alcoholic or addict results
in behaving much like you are
now. You keep hoping she will change
and everything will be okay but
it never happens.
The solution is not to keep
doing the same things and expecting
a different result.
You have to see her and the patterns
of relating to her as they are.
Is she behaving sanely?, does she
lie to you? Do you keep excusing her
bad behaviour because you think
you can change her into the woman
you really want?
If you try harder maybe?
No, as I said it will only get
worse until she addresses her
drinking problems and recovery may
result in her changing alot.
She can not have a good relationship
until she stops drinking. Having
a good relationship takes actions
that she will not be capable of
while drinking.
You have become as addicted to
her as she is to alcohol.
You will not have a good relationship
until you address why this woman
has so much power over you.
Can you feel whole without a woman
in your life?
Leaving or staying is not as important
as allowing her to recover
and to take responsibility for
her actions. You have to become
two whole persons that are not
mistaking obscession for true
love. Love is able to choose
who to love and to leave if things
are not healthy for either person.
Love makes sane choices not a rollercoaster
of highs and lows with a breakup
inbetween.
I know how it feels, like she is a
drug you must have.
This is the warning signal for
a relationship addiction.
Some areas have meetings for this
specifically. Al-Anon may help
but I suggest any books from
Robin Norwood, they are written
for woman but the symptoms are the
same in men.
Any time you feel obscessed or
compelled by a woman it spells
trouble as you probably
are starting to see.
Take it easy and try to relax
and let her solve her own problems
while you take care of yourself.
She is an adult so let her be one
whether you stay or leave.